I wish you all a Merry CHRISTMAS & a rich 2009.
I wish I could send you all presents.
Maybe next year.
This column does not seem very clever.
Been doing retail combat for the past few weeks. I
had some funny stories from Barnes but they all slip
my mind at the moment... I am so tired.


Jail Him for His Hair:
Tom Brite: i dont see what belokabevich did thats so worng
Creepy Loner: [smirk]
Sleepy Eyed Evie: his hair is wrong.
Sleepy Eyed Evie: he should be thrown in jail for his hair.

The Trouble With Classics:
Sleepy Eyed Evie: well i just finished a biography of
marilyn monroe and "twilight"
Sleepy Eyed Evie: and now i'm going to read anna karenina again
Sleepy Eyed Evie: the middle part of AK is the part i have trouble
with
Sleepy Eyed Evie: well i tend to stop reading during the 400 pages
of discussion of farming
Sleepy Eyed Evie: that guy who has a farm and goes on for hundreds
of pages about the right way to harvest wheat, or whatever
Creepy Loner: You should read "Growth Of The Soil" Evie...that s**t
will push you over the edge.
Sleepy Eyed Evie: i have a similar problem with Moby Dick. i can't
get past the 300 pages describing every type of whale and blubber
Sleepy Eyed Evie: i'm serious. right in the middle he starts
talking about different kinds of whales and it goes on for pages
and pages and pages

Mentally Dangerous:
Melodramamama22: i like someone who looks a bit dangerous.
if not physically, then mentally
AXELvonAUR: I'm a bit dangerous myself
Melodramamama22: how are you dangerous?
AXELvonAUR: you would find out


Off the Planet:
BobsurAuntTom: I really used to find Meg Tilly sexy.
BobsurAuntTom: I LOVE those incredibly simple, good looks.
BobsurAuntTom: She fell off the planet.
Melodramamama22: i think she did a chucky movie


The Elusive Onion:
PatientOnion3: i banished the b*tches back to Thinkers
where they came from
BinxB91: Evicted the women??
PatientOnion3: they are abused republican skanks
Prospect26: what is a skanks?


The Cute Couple - Julie and Bangladesh:
oooolijay: no i wasn't born in '78. i was 9 in 78'
Onimesh: someone is two years older than my country

Mix That Metaphor:
BinxB91: So what kind of work did you first do in
San Francisco, Onion?
PatientOnion3: i followed in my mother's footsteps and typed
Onimesh: your mother used to type using her feet?

Onionism:
PatientOnion3: they pushed the button in baghdad for the
SHOE MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD, but I guess it failed

Blunt:
oooolijay: prospect, stop being stupid

Blunter:
Prospect26: my daughter is not sleeping with anyone but her
designated man.
oooolijay: prospect, i have a serious question to ask you
oooolijay: are you just a little bit insane?

Blunt Back:
Prospect26: Binx...zero, zip nada
Fleurdelochi: you forgot no way jose

Lesbian Sex Explained:
Anais3233: who asked how lesbians have sex?
Anais3233: wait
Anais3233: i want to know
Anais3233: how do they?
Anais3233: i mean, i've seen porns
Sleepy Eyed Evie: we dont actually
oooolijay: i think if you dont know how lesbians have sex, you
should begin experimenting for yourself
Catpower777: those aren't real, Anais
Anais3233: but.. how do the real ones do it?
Sleepy Eyed Evie: we just watch Xena, Warrior Pricess together
CordialCactus: lol
oooolijay: haha
Catpower777: lol Evie
Boulshevit: Should I go somewhere?
Tom Brite: now thats funny evie
CordialCactus: i just lurve you, evie
Sleepy Eyed Evie: and wait for Xena and her sidekick to finally
make out
Sleepy Eyed Evie: but they never do, dammit


["Hey," Beth says, walking in the front door. She looks
terrible.
"My, my," I cluck. "Look what the cat dragged in."
"Gimme a break," Beth grumbles. "You got hammered last
night, too."
"Not like you, darling," I say. "I wasn't dancing on tables."
"Was I?"
"The video I took will be all over the Internet tomorrow."
Beth flips me the bird. "You're full of shit."
"At least you got home all right."
"I didn't get home," Beth groans. "I'm wearing the same
clothes I had on last night."
"How delightfully skanky."
"I washed my shirt in the sink, so I'm not totally skanky."
"Don't sweat it," I reply. "I had no clean pants this
morning, so I ironed the ones I got on with Febreeze."
"Ew."
"They're so dirty I thought they'd get off the floor under
their own power and commit suicide."
Beth laughs. I like it when Beth laughs. Her face lights up
with a radiance that could dispel the darkness of human sin.
Even hungover she's still pretty.]


Food Network Rejects:
BobsurAuntTom: Liver is like eating an internal bottom dweller.
oooolijay: do you eat shrimp, bob?
Kursk912: tom hates lobster
BobsurAuntTom: Sure Ooooli, I love bottom feeders.
oooolijay: see
BobsurAuntTom: Including liver.
oooolijay: you eat the liver of the sea
Bobophet1: Americans waste tons of food. They don't eat organs
like we do in other countries. In other countries, nothing is
wasted.
oooolijay: i like liver
PRobin5478: I just ordered some lobster from Omaha Steaks
Kursk912: i haven't eaten out my wife's ass in ages
oooolijay: chicken and beef
Bobophet1: In the US they throw away everything but the
choicest cuts.
DGBALTIMORE: simple hamburger may contain as many as 500
different cows depending on what processor made the product


Mrs Monk:
BinxB91: If your wife came here, what would she say about you?
Kursk912: that i should be in bed
Kursk912: that i like talking about myself
Kursk912: that i'm cheesy
Kursk912: that i should put a baby in her belly and not
her eyes and ears


You wish I were shy:
Summers Eve L: I'm reserved only for a very short period when I
first meet you face to face and then you wish that I were shy.
Summers Eve L: You really do.

Anglo-American Relations:
Various704: im only shy in here cause americans scare me
BinxB91: Brits make me feel inferior
Various704: good.
Various704: thats the idea

High Tech Reject:
Summers Eve L: They're yelling at each other across the office again.
I really hate it.
Summers Eve L: There is a reason why we have phones with intercoms.

Could You Repeat the Question:
BinxB91: Nathalie, what goes on in your office?
Summers Eve L: All kinds of nutty crap. But are you asking what
kind of office I work for?

It depends on the definition of "in":
Summers Eve L: I work in a law office.
Summers Eve L: Ealier this year our 72 year old receptionist was
coming back from lunch.
Summers Eve L: And she drove through the side of the building.
Summers Eve L: I'm just giving you an example of what I mean by
"nutty crap"
BinxB91: Technically that wasn't "in"" the office
Summers Eve L: Her car ended up IN our office so technically
yes it was.

Bagdad Bazaar:
Onimesh: yesterday they were throwing shoess at bush's dummy
Onimesh: and whoever can knock down the dummy with fewest shoes
gets a prize


More Stuff Only Rono Knows:
Onimesh: the word fascist came from mussolinis shirt

"beam me up, Summers":
Summers Eve L: I love William Shatner. I just can't help myself.

Future Wino:
Summers Eve L: OMG. Did I tell you? I bought a $5 bottle of
sauvignon blanc that I discovered and it's not bad.

Pub Golf:
EDruezillaB: Pub golf is where you get a group of friends together
and dress up like you're going golfing. Everyone wears an ugly
sweater. Then you hop from pub to pub all day as a group.
EDruezillaB: you get wasted
Summers Eve L: Sounds fun.
EDruezillaB: in an ugly sweater!
CordialCactus: oh.. i didnt know it had a name
EDruezillaB: I'm going to wear skinny jeans and oxfords and
an ugly sweater
EmpressZ21: edie at a goodwill yeah i dont see that happeneng
EDruezillaB: and big huge sunglasses
Various704: thats um. silly

Rono Exposes Stephen Hawking:
Onimesh: Stephen Hawkins lies about Time, big bang...for which he
later accepted in public that he was wrong about few things, about
big bang theories

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Seen:
AXELvonAUR: if you only knew the nonsense I put up with today

Goodness:
BinxB91: Urbon, name a favorite book
Urbonpiglet1: Nora Roberts, James Paterson goodness lots of them

Bidet's Motivation for Visiting the Shelf:
Poor Bidet: the ufo dudes are in the lounge with ann crispin

ah ah ha:
Poor Bidet: someone sent me a pornographic book bag yesterday
Poor Bidet: which i carried to a political meeting
Poor Bidet: in a fancy hotel
Poor Bidet: ah ah ha

Got Athena's Number:
Athena2719: someone please talk to me
BinxB91: Athena ...
KissMyAsterix: is this going to be about a tv show
Athena2719: nm


["So," I say, shaking myself out of my fugue, "what's going on
with you?"
"My boyfriend and I are fighting," Beth says sadly.
"Sorry to hear that."
"We never get to spend any time together."
"Restaurant schedules can be a problem."
"It's not that," Beth says. "I don't think we're in love anymore.
It's like we're brother and sister."
"You've been going out with him since how old?"
"Nineteen."
"Five years is a long time."
"I just think it's not going to last."
I want to tell Beth that the odds are good that the person you
fall for at nineteen is going to be a very different person at
twenty-five. Most relationships don't survive the process.
Telling her that won't do any good, though.
"I want something better for myself," Beth continues, looking me
dead in the eye. "I want to be in love with someone who's crazy
about me. I'm worth it."
I suddenly feel my breath catch in my throat. Beth is certainly
worth it. I think about telling her that. Then I remember the
difference in our ages. There's a moment, but I let it pass. I
keep my feelings to myself. Beth and I live in different worlds.]


Saving on Dog Toys:
Tammynet: nah, zosh, but i did make some snowballs for the
dogs to chase

Couldn't Have Been THAT Interesting:
Godwit935: He was an interesting chap, I forget his name.

Japanese Literature Discussion:
BobsurAuntTom: I don't really love Murikami either...
or Obi or Obe, or whatever his name is.

Masturbation Arts:
AgIaophonos: gabriel was attractive
AgIaophonos: he was probably never alone in bed
Zoshka5: yeah, he didn't get as much as Llosa though
AgIaophonos: being alone in bed can be beneficial
BinxB91: beneficial how?
Zoshka5: indeed, ag
BobsurAuntTom: Artists tend to look at art much, much
differently than nonartists.
AgIaophonos: no regret
oooolijay: mastering the art of masturbation. art for art's sake.

No, but I have their Punk CD:
Fleurdelochi: have you read marquez and his meloncholy whores?

Non Sequiturs Mostly:
AgIaophonos: my cats don't cuddle
AgIaophonos: neither does my dog
AgIaophonos: but i've had great conversations with my vibrator

Halloween VIII:
Fleurdelochi: god, i was in some room one night and made a comment
about a loud plane flying overhead and a girl told me she was
right down the street from me

OSHA Warnings:
AgIaophonos: but there is nothing quite like being in the company
of penetration without getting carpal tunnel

Mixed Messages:
SteveIzHere5: I worked out today.
SteveIzHere5: my lower body is sore
oooolijay: good job steve
SteveIzHere5: soon I'll be one of those bodybuilder freaks
SteveIzHere5: thanks
SteveIzHere5: yeah, I'm going to bed in a few when I finish this beer.

Steve as Discussion Leader:
SteveIzHere5: I'm drinking munich beer.
SteveIzHere5: beer from Munich
SteveIzHere5: very good
AnonyMitch: oooli
oooolijay: ed, do you live in dallas or just close to dallas

Anony's World:
AnonyMitch: i'm wtchign tv
AnonyMitch: again and again
oooolijay: okay anony
AnonyMitch: still
AnonyMitch: when ahnuld says "get. out." you do what he says.

Grammar Uncertainty as PMS symptom:
CordialCactus: i have some honey statistics from a bee hive
keeping honey maker, its unbelievable how little each bee makes
oooolijay: it's pure and sweet
CordialCactus: oh oooli, im really pms-y.. i have moments
of supreme unsweetness
oooolijay: but you probably feel really badly about it
oooolijay: bad? badly?
CordialCactus: badly
oooolijay: thank you
oooolijay: i never know which one
CordialCactus: poorly would be the most proper, i bet
oooolijay: probably
Tom Brite: it modifies a verb, making it an "ly" adverb, love
CordialCactus: thanks tom.. i knew you had a use


Tom's Joke(with commetary):
Tom Brite: a 40 year old man meets a 16 year old girl in the park
Tom Brite: the 40 year old says he is embarassed to be a virgin
at his age
Doc Whew: is this a true story tom
Tom Brite: the 16 year old girl says not to worry everyone is
embarassed about something
Doc Whew: he had a small penis
Tom Brite: the girl says that she never takes her top off because
she is embarassed
Doc Whew: so he said go ahead
Alansueton: Doc shush
Doc Whew: sorry
Doc Whew: :-X
Tom Brite: and the man says he never has taken his pants off in
front of a woman because he is hung like a baby
Tom Brite: so they make a deal
Tom Brite: the girl takes her top off
Doc Whew: and its big
Tom Brite: the man says he likes what he sees
Doc Whew: :-X
Tom Brite: the girl persuades the 40 year old man to then take
his pants down
BinxB91: this all happened in a park?
BobsurAuntTom: And she says, I can see why you'd be embarassed?
Alansueton: everyone shush
Doc Whew: werent they loitering at this point
Tom Brite: when the girl sees the man she passes out
oooolijay: this is a long story
BobsurAuntTom: He's a slow typer.
Doc Whew: and dahmer comes along and says
Doc Whew: are you gonna eat that
BobsurAuntTom: Punchline, please
BobsurAuntTom: por favor
Tom Brite: i told u i was hung like a baby the man says:
9 pounds and 5 ounces
Doc Whew: a lotta effort for
Alansueton: good one
BobsurAuntTom: Now wait... why was his being a virgin important
in this joke?
BinxB91: I liked Doc Whew's punch line better
oooolijay: maybe i'll tell that one to my niece
BobsurAuntTom: I mean, it was good and all but the whole virgin
thing was a bit silly.
Tom Brite: dont amnalyze it bobsur
BobsurAuntTom: Tom, I'm sorry... I need to.
Doc Whew: was she really a virgin

Candice Distracted:
CordialCactus: oh! i found a person on twitter who is very funny
and acerbic.. just fun to read

Get Back to Sex Talk Then:
Doc Whew: we already had most of this discussion earlier

21 More Dresses and She'll Have a Screenplay:
Tammynet: i have been a maid of honor 6 times ....that kind of sucks

India Report:
Madam Mimi: Binx the most surprising was the subway system in calcutta.
Amazing. Clean, cool, marble floors, trains on time

In a Rut:
CordialCactus: i havent had a date that didnt involve
chicken wings in soooo long

You Really Can't:
oooolijay: you can't just say OMGOMGOMG and then complain
about my carrot

Betting That's Not a Navel:
Summers Eve L: I don't want lint in my hoohoo.

What Qualifies as Fancy:
Summers Eve L: I am the FANCY one who uses them newfangled TAMPONS.

Rono's world:
Niontron9: Chinese people created lots of stuff for the world
oooolijay: like chinese food.
Niontron9: oooli
Niontron9: that is not an invention
oooolijay: it's still good

Julie's Talent:
oooolijay: my mother once told me that one of my most
interesting talents is being able to insult people without
their ever knowing it
Condorblues: oooolijay, that's a wonderful trait

There's a Special Section for Those at Border's:
Vskmjk: Anyone here enjoy reading novels that explore the
ugliness and gut wrenching compromise of humanity while
constantly keeping a level tone and at times comedic feeling
in the reader?
Condorblues: vskmjk, I watch the brady bunch for that stuff

On I-40 East Bound:
Niontron9: Bush Insider Who planned to tell all Killed in a
plain crash:www.niontron.com

Freudian Slip:
oooolijay: rono, i tried to im you just now
oooolijay: would you rather i emailed?
Niontron9: hole on

Julie's day:
BinxB91: not watching football?
oooolijay: nah, i've been busy today
BinxB91: busy doing what?
I2DaysInNovember: wife is watching the second Jurrasic Park movie
on SciFi
oooolijay: taking care of my iguana who is under the weather
oooolijay: laundry
oooolijay: getting stuff ready for the interview tomorrow

Texas People:
oooolijay: my parents had a longhorn skull over the fireplace
when i was growing up

I love categories:
DETRASH: hubby loves to cook he is in his bliss now
DETRASH: at the beach hous we have an open kitchen so I can
watch him cook
BinxB91: DET, what kind of cuisine?
I2DaysInNovember: I love cuisine


Apropos of Nothing:

Tallthinjones: i couldn't stand being a siamese fraternal twin with
lucile ball

CGilbert66: Getting old is worse then trying to get layed
when your 15

Tom Brite: i have written a short story about my first
masturbatory expereience

PatientOnion3: I haven't driven a car in over 30 years

Poor Bidet: the missing half of my giant purple couch arrived today

AXELvonAUR: I had to miss the cleavage episode of Seinfeld tonight


Noted:
oooolijay: sometimes i like nasty

Prospect's Concerned:
Prospect26: I am always concerned when I see The Bell Jar....
because I see suicide and the thought there.

Welcome to Book Shelf:
Im2charming: this is chat room for why you hate people and
wiite it down and dig a hole and bury it

Gee Did She Get a Wrong Number:
Im2charming: HI Bidet what to hear my story I am sure you will like me

Gin!:
Im2charming: I was dealt my hand and played it with a big lost
hand that I had to come back with four aces

That's That:
Poor Bidet: i went to the farm store today
Poor Bidet: and the owner wasn't there
Poor Bidet: because her son-in-law was t-boned by an 18-year-old
on his way to work this morning and died instantly
AnonyMitch: uh oh
AnonyMitch: terrible.
Poor Bidet: and that's that.

KATY TRIED - The 100th Column!

"Fork is no child":
PatientOnion3: binky, all the hot chix have been talking about you
Summers Eve L: Encyclopedia Brown. Hi there.
Phronsie: hi Binx
Forkrerereredux: but sex is the primary motivator
Summers Eve L: Butt sex. I knew it.
Phronsie: Fork, you are such a child
Alansueton: Dr Fork as Pat Benatar once sang
"stop using sex as a weapon"
Forkrerereredux: fork is no child, phronsie


StealItBack.com:
Anais3233: has anyone ever bought anything from stealitback.com
Anais3233: it's online police auction
Anais3233: it's like ebay but ... confiscated items
Anais3233: there is a LOT of grow lights on there
Summers Eve L: She wants to buy her virginity back.
Nomdujourxx: Do you think it a good idea to buy grow lites
from the cops?

Immmaculate Deception:
Anais3233: can you imagine what circumstances a nativity scene
would be impounded??

I Never Sang For My Father:
Prospect26: We all have a father. Mine died when I was 6 months old.
BinxB91: Prospect, I was being ironic. Fork's origin are
mysterious. Of course I realize he has a father. But I like to
imagine him raised by wolves, kidnapped by gypsies, or a reject
from a government study group
Forkrerereredux: the show "my two dads" was about the problem of
homos trying to raise kids
Prospect26: Binx...it's nice that you can be ironic. I never had
a father.

Miss Manners of Book Shelf:
Anais3233: Oh, just a side note for you all. Ann Crispin does NOT
like it when you greet her like "Hello Whore!"

Grief Counselor of Book Shelf:
Summers Eve L: Oh brother. I'm not buying into Prospect's game.
Always the martyr.
CordialCactus: hurry
CordialCactus: say something nasty
EmpressZ21: cact you ignorant slut
Hadachoke: Cc, yoou IGNORANT SLUT
CordialCactus: ha!
CordialCactus: lol
CordialCactus: wow
EmpressZ21: okay weird
CordialCactus: syncronized slams!
Hadachoke: ok?
AnonyMitch: weirdly ok
CordialCactus: woohoo
EmpressZ21: i swear we didnt plan that
CordialCactus: impressive
Summers Eve L: Hm. Touche.
CordialCactus: prospect, see
CordialCactus: thats all you have to do
CordialCactus: let it slide off and move on
CordialCactus: laugh a bit
CordialCactus: its fun
Anais3233: are you talking about Dick skin?
CordialCactus: ok


Laughter Explained:
BinxB91: Hardest Shelvers to get an LOL from: Prospect,
Lesliehapablap, Godwit, PatientOnion, GypsyJo,
oooolijay: tj, in what part of the brain do you find irony and humor?
MsVictoriaLynn1: Jo won't laugh and twit CAN'T laugh
oooolijay: i got several lol's from godwit
oooolijay: well, not several, two or three though
Tj34: an integument at the 30th parallel horizontal ish
Tj34: it's like a little acorn
MsVictoriaLynn1: TWADDLE!
oooolijay: a humor acorn?
Tj34: yes, you have a little seizure, uncontrolled often and
your face muscles convulse
AnonyMitch: so, the act is the reason for the act.
CordialCactus: lol tj
MsVictoriaLynn1: Holy Twadding Wombats Batman!
CordialCactus: and tiny barking snuffly sounds are emitted from
your face
oooolijay: hmm, can you be born without that humor acorn? or can
it just dry up and die?
Tj34: most people have dopey large (acorns)? hardly! brazil nuts


Whorecoles:
Prospect26: Summers...don't even go there.
Summers Eve L: Too late, Prospect. I'm there.

What About e-mail?:
Tj34: schopenhauer says you can tell if you like someone gauging
your emotional response when you receive a letter from someone
you didn't expect a letter from

For Real?:
MsVictoriaLynn1: So, besides fly, what can a bird do, that a
man can not do?
oooolijay: rejuvenated hymens
CordialCactus: thats it!

Philosophy:
Alansueton: Descartes is at dinner and a servant comes up and asks
"Pardon, Monsieur Descartes, but would you like dessert?"
Alansueton: Descartes pauses and replies, "I think not", and disappears.

Prospect's Daughter is Kelly Ripa?:
Prospect26: lady...just got back from Mexic with my daughter...she is
very psyched about Regis on 1/1/09.

Plea for Tolerance:
fleurdeho3: if you're not gonna fuck sombody, what does it MATTER
if they're gay or straight?

Whaddya Want, a Medal?:
Onimesh: I finished a grapefruit

Julie Has an Opinion:
AnonyMitch: so, does anyone like or dislike that David Gregory guy
for taking over Meet the Press?
oooolijay: yes

From Eating Lamb Chops?:
LaNudie: When I was in high school my mom had a few sheep and our
hands were always soft

Like Crying Wolf:
LaNudie: The skin on my armpits is turning black and scaley
oooolijay: black and scaley?
LaNudie: Not really, I just wanted to see what you would say


Odd & Ends:

LadyMtnMedic: This room seems to be contradicting the Bible tonight

DoomGrl: my heart is a lonely hunter

CordialCactus: no one puts baby in a corner just popped in my head

Anais3233: i think i need to go to clown school

Melodramamama22: jiggling is part of getting dressed binx

BobsurAuntTom: I've never fucked a clown, but now I think I need to
add that to my list.

Melodramamama22: david beckham is gorgeous long as he doesn't speak

Summers Eve L: I hate Jay Leno

Fleurdelochi: i'm an adorable fucking sweetheart




Not Just a Mental Midget:
Godwit935: Oh Oscar, you are bleeding. I want to see you bleed
more, Oscar. Bleed more.
Godwit935: The blood, the blood.
EmpressZ21: Godwit is sounding very tattooish from fantasy island

Weird Science:
Godwit935: The closer you live to the Equator, the more excited
you get when you see blood.
oooolijay: the effect of hte equator on people?
oooolijay: what does that mean godwit?
LadyMtnMedic: what do you think?
oooolijay: i live in texas
Godwit935: I mean Equatorial people.
oooolijay: wow, godwit
oooolijay: that's an odd statement to make
Godwit935: Oooli, it's a known fact. It affects Texans to a
great degree.
oooolijay: so you're saying i get more excited by blood than you do?

Normal Rolls, Not Those Weird Croissants;
WildCIAagent: Godwit is like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Except when
you poke him in the belly, he doesn't giggle, he says
"it's a known fact"

Candice the Bedazzler:
Tammynet: i am in my grey sweats and blue pull over sweatshirt
CordialCactus: tammy, embellish it a bit
oooolijay: cactus wants to take a bedazzler to tammy


Julie the Fertility Consultant:

Kursk912: no one is asking me any questions
Kursk912: i'll have to leave
EDruezillaB: good
BinxB91: Have you kissed your wife today?
Kursk912: yeah, she's upset, though
oooolijay: why is she upset?
Kursk912: because she's not pregnant yet
oooolijay: oh
Kursk912: some cousin just got pregnant again
oooolijay: kiss her with more sperm

Welcome Newbies:
Kursk912: who are these random weird dumb people?

There's Camps for That:
Annie77772: how does someone become ungay

AA Meetings:
LZOOKEEPER: be i cant sleep go at night and he wakes up really
early so i dont like to wake him up ever time i move
Tj34: provoke some fun, evilooli
Bobophet1: LZOOO, that's bad news.
Bobophet1: Newlyweds who can't sleep together.
oooolijay: there's no one yet tj
Tj34: this is like an old timer AA meeting, god!
LZOOKEEPER: well i love to sleep with him not at night
Tj34: where one guy talks for a solid hours in a sonorous voice
Tj34: i was a drunk and it was just awful the things i did
LZOOKEEPER: i uesd to drink alot
Tj34: i talked to the devil even
Tj34: he was my pal
oooolijay: that would be me


Julie's Latest Quirk:
WildCIAagent: Oooo, in your house... when the phone rings... do
you run to answer it first or hope someone else gets it?
oooolijay: i never answer the phone
oooolijay: rarely
WildCIAagent: Why?
oooolijay: even my cell
oooolijay: i hate it
WildCIAagent: Why?
oooolijay: i dont know
Tj34: i don't like cell phones
oooolijay: i only occasionally want to talk on the phone
Alansueton: I hate cell phones
oooolijay: are you thinking of calling me wild?
Tj34: plus you can get ear tumors from them
WildCIAagent: How about in person?
Forkrerereredux: fork's phone tapped

Boxing:
DoomGrl: boxing is too violent
Alansueton: Boxing is a wonderful sport when it is quality
DoomGrl: whats so wonderful about hitting people?
oooolijay: i'd like to watch a fight between alan and tonya harding
MsVictoriaLynn1: I'd loan Harding a new pipe
Tj34: people fight all the time adn it's a relief for me to see
them do it publically
Forkrerereredux: fork watched 27 dresses

[However much he had botched things so far, he had to keep talking.
Something. Anything. Let Rach know he was just across the seat
from her. He changed the topic, burying what he could not hope
to tell her even in private circumstances. "Ever hear of a Dr.
Wolff, of Cornell? Harold, I think the first name is. Harry,
maybe?"
"No." Rachel sensed current underneath, and let it run. "Why?"
Artie should have remembered sooner that nothing consoles better
than a mystery. "It's probably nothing," he said. A name Dad
called after me on our way out. I'm suppose to be a detective,
see? Figure out what he has figured out about what nobody can
figure out.
"Taken to crying Wolff, has he?" Rachel slid back into form. Her
voice was once more Rach's voice. Artie felt safety return, and for
the next twenty miles, the two kicked around the enigma. The world
became pitch dark. After the toll plaza at Oak Park, they underwent
the gradual escalation of nothing into vacancy, vacancy into
sparsity, sparsity into FOR LEASE signs, lease signs into industrial
parks, parks into complexes, complexes into into conglomerates and
skyscrapers and finally into the Sears Tower. Winding along the
inbound Eisenhower into the Dan Ryan, "Damn Ryan" in Rachel's
private vocabulary, they picked up traffic until they were bumper
to bumper. They began to breathe easier in the anonymity of
overcrowding. Artie co-piloted Rach into Hyde Park and up to his
old brownstone off Cottage Grove. She had taken him there scores
of times and should have been able to locate the building herself,
even in the dark. But she never could. Each time, he patiently
marveled over how any townee, even an adopted one, familiar as
she was with the Chicago grid system, could still lose herself
amid all the indelible logic.
"North Sider," he razzed her. "Coming up?" Artie's sudden
invitation surprised them both. Normally, after a weekend of
Hobson's choices, he couldn't wait to sequester himself with the
law books. Maybe he habituated to companionship, maybe he was
afraid to leave Rach alone so soon. Whatever the reason, he
asked her, curtly, not to take off right away.
Rach tipped her head at him, quizzically, the way a parakeet some-
times will. Only she kept tilting, through 180 degrees, until she
sat completely twisted in the driver's seat, craned all the way
upside down, head to the cushion, looking at him as he dangled one
foot on the curb. Vintage Rachel, returned fully from the tremor
moment. "Say that again."
"Coming Up?"
"God. From this angle, it looks as if your mouth is in your
forehead."
Losing his patience, he grabbed his rucksack, assembled his stuff,
and closed the car door in disgust. He had done all he could for
her in the car, and now that she felt better, she fell back into
sight gags. He completed his send-off brusquely and was halfway
up the walk when Rachel rolled down the window and called him
back.
"Artie." He knew, because she used his real name and not some
coinage, that he was in for a dressing down. He dragged back to
the car wronged but nevertheless cooperative. He thought, somehow,
that she was about to speak directly to the issue, the thing that,
in the drive back through open fields, they had avoided touching
on. He knew, by the tone of her voice, that subject was friction,
was fishing, or forgiveness, something fricative.
She would call him out, he thought. Implore him to forgive the
old man. Tell him not to hold it against the guy for both falling
ill and then evading differential diagnosis. But Artie wasn't
ready to forgive, even for his favorite Rach of all Rachs.
But he had guessed entirely wrong about his sister's scolding. He
had guessed wrong about everything. He had guessed wrong in the
car, in thinking that he had to hold her together. "Artie," she
said gently. 'I'll see you soon. Go easy on yourself, okay?"]



BookSlut in cognito:
PatientOnion3: muerte barbie is creepy
DoomGrl: creepyloner
Muerte Barbie: Since when has Doom been cultured?
Forkrerereredux: that's not miss creepy
oooolijay: i dont think so either fork
BinxB91: LOOK!! IT IS BookSlut!!!!
oooolijay: oh, i forgot about bookslut
WildCIAagent: Forgot what about her?
BinxB91: M'Barbie is BookSlut. She would be more often.
But she has been busy reading the Twilight series
DoomGrl: Bookie knows how cultured I am
PatientOnion3: name ONE cultured attribute you got Doom Chick
Muerte Barbie: Doom. Are you familiar with Anne Pigalle?
DoomGrl: see, it is Bookie

Found in Her father's bedroom:
DoomGrl: i watched a movie in serbo-croatian last week. i found
it in my dads room

Lower Than a Slut:
Muerte Barbie: Doom. I am dating a Lounger.

Julie Once taught Self-defense:
Tj34: but first let me say you can get a crocodile to let go of you
if you press your thumbs in its eyes
oooolijay: you can get almost anything to let go if you press your
thumbs in it's eyes

Why DoomGrl Sleeps on the Floor:
DoomGrl: i thought there was a werewolf under my bed who would grab
my ankle if i got up

Scary Because She Doesn't Own a Car:
DoomGrl: sean penn changes my tires in my nite mares

So You Go Down on Me First:
I2DaysInNovember: I am more a Thinker and you're more a Feeler

Low-grade ESP:
Summers Eve L: I knew you were going to say something!

Low-grade Love:
Tom Brite: creepie i love you
Creepy Loner: Yes, yes...spell my name right.

Use Body Language:
CordialCactus: well, how tough can you be when you
sound like minnie mouse

Tom, NO 3rd chance!:
Tom Brite: ...then i wont say what i did last night thinking
of creepie
Creepy Loner: Damn it...if you're going to think about me
while humping your dog, please, spell my SN right!

Flip side of bookSlut watching football:
Forkrerereredux: fork likes to look at cat pictures

Axel provoking Mormons:
AXELvonAUR: I have a Xmas greeting for the enemies of Prop 8. I think
they should all say "Merry Queerness"
AXELvonAUR: or "Marry Queerness"

Ronoism:
Onimesh: news are there to make you believe the lies

Deliverance Fans:
BobsurAuntTom: Yeah, you guys should meet somewhere where you can
all find someone that might make you want to squeel like a pig.
oooolijay: we're girls bob
BobsurAuntTom: Oooli, I'd be willing to bet most of these gals
aren't all that much into anal.
oooolijay: neither was ned beatty

Mystery I
Summers Eve L: I don't take kindly to freezing pine water.
EbMajor999: pine water?
CordialCactus: what is pine water?

Mystery II
Summers Eve L: I'm not allowed to go to Birmingham, Alabama again.

Gilbert & Sullivan Turning Over:
Onimesh: men, men, men, men, men, men...manly men

Rono's World:
Onimesh: the whole world knows about hat stone...one of the
seven wonders( I can't figure out how many times they changed the
seven wonders)


A Man of Depth:
ThePaIeRlDER: creepy, you have no clue the depth this cock has
shrunk too

The Joker:
AXELvonAUR: Heath Ledger seemed to me to be channelling
Al Franken in that movie

Vegan Consequence:
Creepy Loner: RIDER, you really must give up this whole
vegan thing...your brain is going bye-bye.
ThePaIeRlDER: creepy, i have never felt better or been in as
good as shape in all my years
ThePaIeRlDER: thats the truth too
ThePaIeRlDER: veganism wrks
Creepy Loner: Clearly.
Sleepy Eyed Evie: yes but all you can talk about is your thingy
Creepy Loner: I can see where this is going to go...
Creepy Loner: RIDER's red-winging history.
ThePaIeRlDER: naw axel, my dick is still long enough to get
splashed when i flush
Sleepy Eyed Evie: see what i mean?
ThePaIeRlDER: sometimes even tikled by a log
Creepy Loner: You're a log-tickler?
Creepy Loner: Perhaps I will have an affair with you.
Creepy Loner: Huh.
Sleepy Eyed Evie: he's all yours



Julie's Men:
oooolijay: i've had pretty guys who weren't funny or smart

STAY WARM - Regarding BookShelf as a "wasteland", I have
sometimes felt the same. I could barely stand it more
than an hour or two.
Still, on my drive home from work on late nights, I look
forward to visiting with "you guys". I'd much rather
have a warm body waiting my homecoming but in the
meantime, I enjoy the company here.
I know many of you have warm bodies in your bed but
since they may be comatose, BookShelf is your pleasant
alternative.
Today it hit me that some of you ARE the warm bodies.
That thought warmed me. Be good to each other.


Hopefully Just a Phase:
CordialCactus: my kids are insane right now

The Witching Hour:
Summers Eve L: Right. Because we are just tramps.
Anais3233: dude, shall we continue the gaping asshole talk?
NoraMcKee525: oh dear god
Anais3233: ok, wait, i have to put kids to bed.

Fork Setting Up:
Forkrerereredux: if you build it, they will come
Gollygee889977: what?
Forkrerereredux: it
Forkrerereredux: if you build it, they will come
BinxB91: So Golly, are you thick-skinned?
Forkrerereredux: binx, you missed a wonderful tranny discussion
earlier
Gollygee889977: Do you mean big
Forkrerereredux: no one means big

Binx Is So Fucking Funny:
Gollygee889977: im 19
Josh Maxwell4: 24
BinxB91: Golly, watch out for Josh. He's so horny even the crack
of dawn isn't safe

Fork in Touch With His Feelings:
Forkrerereredux: fork needs something less cute, more slutty

Tranny Generalized:
Kan wa ma kan: i would hate being married to a tranny
Brianna CD123: i think people generalize way to much
Brianna CD123: thats what makes them boring
Brianna CD123: saying things like "i would hate to be married
to a tranny" is quite a generalization
BinxB91: generalization: "i think people generalize way to much"
Brianna CD123: in fact the act of categorzing is a generalization
Alansueton: Brianna I think you generalize everyone who says
that as being boring
Forkrerereredux: Brianna CD123: yeah, i'm a tranny :-[
Alansueton: Trannies are ugly and scare children


Deep Thoughts by Jack Rono:
Onimesh: if you don't have love for mankind in your heart...you
can't be a good writer
Onimesh: I have almost never called anyone stupid

Fork Posessed:
Forkrerereredux: Hello, This is Marshmellow. (thats not a real name,
just a nick name) lol. anyway, if you didn't know that, then well..
you don't know me. lol.
Forkrerereredux: oh well. that was really random stuff wasn't it? LoL Forkrerereredux: My favorite hobbies?? jeez, thats going to take
awhile. I'm in a band, (I play the flute. Its the school band.) I'm
also in theatre, ummm french 2 , (j'aime franciase) (i think i wrote
that right... he he)
Forkrerereredux: anyway, i'm in love with books. seriously. my faves
are, Jane Eire, Witness, Inkheart, Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter,
Frankenstien, (i love mary shelly!!!)
Forkrerereredux: The Cay, The Supernatural, umm, The Five Ancesstors,
The StoryTellers Daughter, Charlie Bone, MY Friend Beks STORY!!!
(whoo!!!!) and exetra.
Forkrerereredux: I'm also in love with HEROES!!!! i love that
t.v. show. seriously.


Who Knew?:
Onimesh: that tired old man here is me...

Embrace the Slumminess:
Kan wa ma kan: plasma tv makes me think of a nebulous crystal
ball flattened like mr bill and we but gazing on the remains into
an altrenate reality
Gypsyjo47: Kan what are you doing in the Book shelf? Slumming?
Kan wa ma kan: jo, why is this slumming?
Kan wa ma kan: are you suggesting this is a lower class of chat
than al ?
Gypsyjo47: Kan most AL folks consider the book shelf slumming


Condor Deconstructs:
Mentros: Ibsen was one of Hitler's main inspirations,
especially The Master Builder
Condorblues: hitler never read ibsen
Condorblues: hitler was the sarah palin of his time


What Are You Wearing?:

Sleepy Eyed Evie: jeans and a sweatshirt

CordialCactus: light blue fleece jammie pants with grey snowflakes
and a grey sweatshirt


Leslie and the Night Visitors:
BinxB91: I just read about pilates be banned from safety islands
in Santa Monica
Zoshka5: I wish I could increase room font, I was excited about
pirates attacking Safety Island in Santa Monica
LeslieHapablap: zoshka, i live in santa monica and have not seen
any pirates. However, yesterday i saw three raccoons.


It's the Blue Font:
Zenchef2006: heya evie, you look familiar



Odds and Odds:

Tom Brite: i would like to see joe biden naked

Zoshka5: I'm not fond of those eskimo boots that are popular
among dim girls, stupidity is tolerable, sweaty feet is not

BoreUsYelledSin: I actually find the missionary position quite
satisfying most of the time.

AnnAsphodel: McCain's on Conan

Offpat: pleasant people are very annoying

Ooolijay: i am a sympathy puker



Hiding Your Webbed Feet?:
Sleepy Eyed Evie: whats the point of high heels in bed?

Sex Researcher:
CordialCactus: do people who have been married for years
french kiss/make out kiss/swap spit?

Jack Van Impe Fan:
Godwit935: Does anyone here watch that Dr. Jack Van Impe and his
wife, Rexella? They are on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.
ThePaIeRlDER: nope i dont watch that christian crap
ThePaIeRlDER: i am not a 'brother' in christ jesus
Anais3233: I love revelationists
Anais3233: they are SO funny
ThePaIeRlDER: my hypocracy does not extend to praising he whom i cuss
Anais3233: and i've been watching them for YEARS
Anais3233: not regularly
Anais3233: but irregularly
Anais3233: they have quite a following
Godwit935: Pale, why don't you like religion?
ThePaIeRlDER: because the message is the same regardless of the group
ThePaIeRlDER: our guy is the guy the others are false
Anais3233: yes, that message of be a good person is a toughie to follow
ThePaIeRlDER: then there is the 'we are humble part
ThePaIeRlDER: what part of we go to heaven and if you dont believe
as we do you go to hell is huumble?
Godwit935: I like Dr. Jack Van Impe and his wife, Rexella.
Anais3233: yes, they are like a comedy show. the amount of makeup
on the two of them couldn't fit in a five gallon bucket
Godwit935: I think they are sincere, Anais.
Anais3233: OOh yes, jack, the end is coming praise the lord


Though It's Mostly Platonic:
BoreUsYelledSin: I'm fucking Matt Damon

Annie the Erection Killer:
Tom Brite: i sometimes get an erection looking at myself in
the mirror
Annie77772: Tom....if you get an erectuion looking in the mirror
and your reflection does not....are you a vampire

Odd Flirting:
Ooolijay: doomgirl is feeling small
DoomGrl: wee

Literary Discussion:
DoomGrl: i was thinking of el perro del mar
Cognomen98: dog of the sea?
DoomGrl: woof

DoomGrl Has That Effect:
Ooolijay: i forgot i was doing laundry

[She kissed me.
'I can't make love to you,' she said.
Relief and despair.
'But I can kiss you.'
And so, from the first, we separated our pleasure. She lay on
the rug and I lay at right angles to her so that only our lips
might meet. Kissing in this way is the strangest of distractions.
The greedy body that clamours for satisfaction is forced to
content itself with a single sensation and, just as the blind hear
more acutely and the deaf can feel the grass grow, so the mouth
becomes the focus of love and all things pass through it and are
re-defined. It is a sweet and precise torture.]


Inspired:
Zoshka5: oh and the film Secretary with Maggie G. was based on a
Gaitskill story
Cognomen98: wow
Cognomen98: I did not know that
DoomGrl: i wonder how many girls were inspired to cut by that movie?
Zoshka5: probably fewer than the number of lawyers who tried to
get their secretaries to be spanked


That Odd Object of Her Obsession:
DoomGrl: i heard a song today and thought of Oooli, i dont know why


[On the second night incessant summer rain flooded St Mark's
Square and we stood on the edge watching a pair of Venetians
weave their way across by means of two chairs.
'On my back,' I said.
She looked at me in disbelief.
'I can't walk on water but I can wade through it,' and I took
off my shoes and made her carry them while we stumbled slowly
across the wide Square. Her legs were so long that she had to
keep hitching them up to stop them trailing in the water.
When we reached the other side I was exhausted.
'This is the boy that walked from Moscow,' she taunted.
We linked arms and went in search of supper and after supper
she showed me how to eat an artichoke.]



Running the Gamut:
DoomGrl: christina ricci from casper the friendly ghost to
black snake moan to penelope

So There:
Godwit935: Good for you, Harry. I'm different.

Godwit the Enforcer:
Jam7604801: wit did you toss any shelfers the other night?
Godwit935: Jam, none that behaved.

Godwit Strikes Out Again:
Godwit935: Dang it, what is the matter with her.
Godwit935: I don't know what else to do. I have tried to be
nice to her.
Forkrerereredux: you're too forward. you need to play hard to get
Creepy Loner: Pay her no mind, Godwit...the white-lipstick gang
is ready to pick up where she left off.
Creepy Loner: [flexing]
Godwit935: I know what she needs.
Anais3233: lol
Fleurdelochi: >whorf<
Anais3233: a good talking down to!
Creepy Loner: Pepper spray?
CordialCactus: whorf?
Fleurdelochi: "i know what she needs" = >whorf<
Tammynet: godwit, telling her she is lying about squirrels
falling is not being nice
OooliLovesGodwit: godwit, women dont like to be called broads
Godwit935: Tammy, there's only so much bs a man can absorb.
CordialCactus: i saw a chipmunk fall out of a tree
Tammynet: why would she lie about that godwit?
Godwit935: I draw the line at falling squirrels

Lost Arts:
Fleurdelochi: speaking in whole sentences seems to be a nearly
lost art
CordialCactus: and text messaging and email has sounded the
death knell of good penmanship
CordialCactus: i just like saying that


AOL as Narcotic:
AnonyMitch: when i sign off, i become alert. when i sign on,
i become sleepy. why is that?

AWOL From the Culture Wars:
Anais3233: OMG mary kate olson is knocked up
Fleurdelochi: get out!
Gypsyjo47: OMG! Who is mary kate olson?

Same Old ...:
Godwit935: No, Fleur, it means I am commenting on the insanity
of this jernt.
Godwit935: This place has become unhinged.

Anti-Panty:
OooliLovesGodwit: well, that's just silly. i'm not wearing panties
CordialCactus: ok, the word panties really insults my dignity, or
diminishes, no, its just annoying

1 of 4 of us is a prude:
OooliLovesGodwit: vaginal rejuvination? what is that
Anais3233: oh, i thought doctored vaginas
Fleurdelochi: an alum douche
Godwit935: These things are better left not talked about.

Gypsy Being Set Up:
Godwit935: Gypsy, are you an Indian?
Creepy Loner: Don't say "yes" unless you think you're ready for the
YOU'RE NOT REALLY AN INDIAN TEST, Gypsy.
Gypsyjo47: Godwit my grandfather was
Creepy Loner: Oh...too late.

Push-ups Coming?:
OooliLovesGodwit: i want my arms to look like jillian michaels' arms

After-Life:
Annie77772: hi..i got a message from AOL that I have been cancelled

Surprisingly Delusional:
Tom Brite: <<<
MacArthur, not MacAuthor, yo!:
Gypsyjo47: I am reading General MacAuthors memoirs
Gypsyjo47: MacAuthor was a great general and a lousy writer

Is There Any Other Kind?:
Prospect26: I spent Thanksgiving in Mexico with my
dysfuctional family.

Godwit Picks Up Things:
AnonyMitch: godwit...the very first time i saw Rose...he was
working for cbs...interviewing queen elizabeth...he picked up some
item from a table in the room...she took it from him and put it
back down...he picked it back up...she put it back
AnonyMitch: this went on at least three times.
Godwit935: Anony, that's a perfect example of his ego.

What Are You Feeding It?:
AmberDevilRay8: Has anyone's computer ever farted and then turned
off by itself?

Overheard at the Video Store:
AmberDevilRay8: In that new Indiana Jones movie, if anyone has seen
it, Indy says "I like Ike" when he thinks he's about to be executed
by a bunch of pinkos...
AmberDevilRay8: ...and I overheard some girl at the video store say
"I can't believe he said that after Hurricane Ike killed all those
people."


Afghan Hotties:
Onimesh: I saw Khalid Hossain when he came to the BN to sign his book
Onimesh: tons of afghan hotties were there...

Rono's World:
Onimesh: in switzerland, EVERYONE VOTES ON EVERY DECISIONS
Fleurdelochi: i'm pondering the difference between rono and
sentient beings
Hadachoke: lol
Onimesh: swiss people
Onimesh: vote everyday...
AnnAsphodel: Swiss cheese
BobsurAuntTom: The Swiss don't even work they're so busy voting.
Onimesh: what right do that
Onimesh: they have to make people that you haven't voted for
BobsurAuntTom: In Switzerland, voting is a paid job.
Onimesh: make ministers, secrateries and such
Onimesh: ?
Onimesh: you never voted for donald rumsfield
Onimesh: he became a
Onimesh: diffense minister
oooolijay: they have good cheese
Onimesh: I am the pioneer
Onimesh: you never voted for the rice woman

Let's Syntax:
AnnAsphodel: Accurate spelling and punctuation turns me on
like Christmas