I wish you all a Merry CHRISTMAS & a rich 2009.
I wish I could send you all presents.
Maybe next year.
This column does not seem very clever.
Been doing retail combat for the past few weeks. I
had some funny stories from Barnes but they all slip
my mind at the moment... I am so tired.


Jail Him for His Hair:
Tom Brite: i dont see what belokabevich did thats so worng
Creepy Loner: [smirk]
Sleepy Eyed Evie: his hair is wrong.
Sleepy Eyed Evie: he should be thrown in jail for his hair.

The Trouble With Classics:
Sleepy Eyed Evie: well i just finished a biography of
marilyn monroe and "twilight"
Sleepy Eyed Evie: and now i'm going to read anna karenina again
Sleepy Eyed Evie: the middle part of AK is the part i have trouble
with
Sleepy Eyed Evie: well i tend to stop reading during the 400 pages
of discussion of farming
Sleepy Eyed Evie: that guy who has a farm and goes on for hundreds
of pages about the right way to harvest wheat, or whatever
Creepy Loner: You should read "Growth Of The Soil" Evie...that s**t
will push you over the edge.
Sleepy Eyed Evie: i have a similar problem with Moby Dick. i can't
get past the 300 pages describing every type of whale and blubber
Sleepy Eyed Evie: i'm serious. right in the middle he starts
talking about different kinds of whales and it goes on for pages
and pages and pages

Mentally Dangerous:
Melodramamama22: i like someone who looks a bit dangerous.
if not physically, then mentally
AXELvonAUR: I'm a bit dangerous myself
Melodramamama22: how are you dangerous?
AXELvonAUR: you would find out


Off the Planet:
BobsurAuntTom: I really used to find Meg Tilly sexy.
BobsurAuntTom: I LOVE those incredibly simple, good looks.
BobsurAuntTom: She fell off the planet.
Melodramamama22: i think she did a chucky movie


The Elusive Onion:
PatientOnion3: i banished the b*tches back to Thinkers
where they came from
BinxB91: Evicted the women??
PatientOnion3: they are abused republican skanks
Prospect26: what is a skanks?


The Cute Couple - Julie and Bangladesh:
oooolijay: no i wasn't born in '78. i was 9 in 78'
Onimesh: someone is two years older than my country

Mix That Metaphor:
BinxB91: So what kind of work did you first do in
San Francisco, Onion?
PatientOnion3: i followed in my mother's footsteps and typed
Onimesh: your mother used to type using her feet?

Onionism:
PatientOnion3: they pushed the button in baghdad for the
SHOE MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD, but I guess it failed

Blunt:
oooolijay: prospect, stop being stupid

Blunter:
Prospect26: my daughter is not sleeping with anyone but her
designated man.
oooolijay: prospect, i have a serious question to ask you
oooolijay: are you just a little bit insane?

Blunt Back:
Prospect26: Binx...zero, zip nada
Fleurdelochi: you forgot no way jose

Lesbian Sex Explained:
Anais3233: who asked how lesbians have sex?
Anais3233: wait
Anais3233: i want to know
Anais3233: how do they?
Anais3233: i mean, i've seen porns
Sleepy Eyed Evie: we dont actually
oooolijay: i think if you dont know how lesbians have sex, you
should begin experimenting for yourself
Catpower777: those aren't real, Anais
Anais3233: but.. how do the real ones do it?
Sleepy Eyed Evie: we just watch Xena, Warrior Pricess together
CordialCactus: lol
oooolijay: haha
Catpower777: lol Evie
Boulshevit: Should I go somewhere?
Tom Brite: now thats funny evie
CordialCactus: i just lurve you, evie
Sleepy Eyed Evie: and wait for Xena and her sidekick to finally
make out
Sleepy Eyed Evie: but they never do, dammit


["Hey," Beth says, walking in the front door. She looks
terrible.
"My, my," I cluck. "Look what the cat dragged in."
"Gimme a break," Beth grumbles. "You got hammered last
night, too."
"Not like you, darling," I say. "I wasn't dancing on tables."
"Was I?"
"The video I took will be all over the Internet tomorrow."
Beth flips me the bird. "You're full of shit."
"At least you got home all right."
"I didn't get home," Beth groans. "I'm wearing the same
clothes I had on last night."
"How delightfully skanky."
"I washed my shirt in the sink, so I'm not totally skanky."
"Don't sweat it," I reply. "I had no clean pants this
morning, so I ironed the ones I got on with Febreeze."
"Ew."
"They're so dirty I thought they'd get off the floor under
their own power and commit suicide."
Beth laughs. I like it when Beth laughs. Her face lights up
with a radiance that could dispel the darkness of human sin.
Even hungover she's still pretty.]


Food Network Rejects:
BobsurAuntTom: Liver is like eating an internal bottom dweller.
oooolijay: do you eat shrimp, bob?
Kursk912: tom hates lobster
BobsurAuntTom: Sure Ooooli, I love bottom feeders.
oooolijay: see
BobsurAuntTom: Including liver.
oooolijay: you eat the liver of the sea
Bobophet1: Americans waste tons of food. They don't eat organs
like we do in other countries. In other countries, nothing is
wasted.
oooolijay: i like liver
PRobin5478: I just ordered some lobster from Omaha Steaks
Kursk912: i haven't eaten out my wife's ass in ages
oooolijay: chicken and beef
Bobophet1: In the US they throw away everything but the
choicest cuts.
DGBALTIMORE: simple hamburger may contain as many as 500
different cows depending on what processor made the product


Mrs Monk:
BinxB91: If your wife came here, what would she say about you?
Kursk912: that i should be in bed
Kursk912: that i like talking about myself
Kursk912: that i'm cheesy
Kursk912: that i should put a baby in her belly and not
her eyes and ears


You wish I were shy:
Summers Eve L: I'm reserved only for a very short period when I
first meet you face to face and then you wish that I were shy.
Summers Eve L: You really do.

Anglo-American Relations:
Various704: im only shy in here cause americans scare me
BinxB91: Brits make me feel inferior
Various704: good.
Various704: thats the idea

High Tech Reject:
Summers Eve L: They're yelling at each other across the office again.
I really hate it.
Summers Eve L: There is a reason why we have phones with intercoms.

Could You Repeat the Question:
BinxB91: Nathalie, what goes on in your office?
Summers Eve L: All kinds of nutty crap. But are you asking what
kind of office I work for?

It depends on the definition of "in":
Summers Eve L: I work in a law office.
Summers Eve L: Ealier this year our 72 year old receptionist was
coming back from lunch.
Summers Eve L: And she drove through the side of the building.
Summers Eve L: I'm just giving you an example of what I mean by
"nutty crap"
BinxB91: Technically that wasn't "in"" the office
Summers Eve L: Her car ended up IN our office so technically
yes it was.

Bagdad Bazaar:
Onimesh: yesterday they were throwing shoess at bush's dummy
Onimesh: and whoever can knock down the dummy with fewest shoes
gets a prize


More Stuff Only Rono Knows:
Onimesh: the word fascist came from mussolinis shirt

"beam me up, Summers":
Summers Eve L: I love William Shatner. I just can't help myself.

Future Wino:
Summers Eve L: OMG. Did I tell you? I bought a $5 bottle of
sauvignon blanc that I discovered and it's not bad.

Pub Golf:
EDruezillaB: Pub golf is where you get a group of friends together
and dress up like you're going golfing. Everyone wears an ugly
sweater. Then you hop from pub to pub all day as a group.
EDruezillaB: you get wasted
Summers Eve L: Sounds fun.
EDruezillaB: in an ugly sweater!
CordialCactus: oh.. i didnt know it had a name
EDruezillaB: I'm going to wear skinny jeans and oxfords and
an ugly sweater
EmpressZ21: edie at a goodwill yeah i dont see that happeneng
EDruezillaB: and big huge sunglasses
Various704: thats um. silly

Rono Exposes Stephen Hawking:
Onimesh: Stephen Hawkins lies about Time, big bang...for which he
later accepted in public that he was wrong about few things, about
big bang theories

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Seen:
AXELvonAUR: if you only knew the nonsense I put up with today

Goodness:
BinxB91: Urbon, name a favorite book
Urbonpiglet1: Nora Roberts, James Paterson goodness lots of them

Bidet's Motivation for Visiting the Shelf:
Poor Bidet: the ufo dudes are in the lounge with ann crispin

ah ah ha:
Poor Bidet: someone sent me a pornographic book bag yesterday
Poor Bidet: which i carried to a political meeting
Poor Bidet: in a fancy hotel
Poor Bidet: ah ah ha

Got Athena's Number:
Athena2719: someone please talk to me
BinxB91: Athena ...
KissMyAsterix: is this going to be about a tv show
Athena2719: nm


["So," I say, shaking myself out of my fugue, "what's going on
with you?"
"My boyfriend and I are fighting," Beth says sadly.
"Sorry to hear that."
"We never get to spend any time together."
"Restaurant schedules can be a problem."
"It's not that," Beth says. "I don't think we're in love anymore.
It's like we're brother and sister."
"You've been going out with him since how old?"
"Nineteen."
"Five years is a long time."
"I just think it's not going to last."
I want to tell Beth that the odds are good that the person you
fall for at nineteen is going to be a very different person at
twenty-five. Most relationships don't survive the process.
Telling her that won't do any good, though.
"I want something better for myself," Beth continues, looking me
dead in the eye. "I want to be in love with someone who's crazy
about me. I'm worth it."
I suddenly feel my breath catch in my throat. Beth is certainly
worth it. I think about telling her that. Then I remember the
difference in our ages. There's a moment, but I let it pass. I
keep my feelings to myself. Beth and I live in different worlds.]


Saving on Dog Toys:
Tammynet: nah, zosh, but i did make some snowballs for the
dogs to chase

Couldn't Have Been THAT Interesting:
Godwit935: He was an interesting chap, I forget his name.

Japanese Literature Discussion:
BobsurAuntTom: I don't really love Murikami either...
or Obi or Obe, or whatever his name is.

Masturbation Arts:
AgIaophonos: gabriel was attractive
AgIaophonos: he was probably never alone in bed
Zoshka5: yeah, he didn't get as much as Llosa though
AgIaophonos: being alone in bed can be beneficial
BinxB91: beneficial how?
Zoshka5: indeed, ag
BobsurAuntTom: Artists tend to look at art much, much
differently than nonartists.
AgIaophonos: no regret
oooolijay: mastering the art of masturbation. art for art's sake.

No, but I have their Punk CD:
Fleurdelochi: have you read marquez and his meloncholy whores?

Non Sequiturs Mostly:
AgIaophonos: my cats don't cuddle
AgIaophonos: neither does my dog
AgIaophonos: but i've had great conversations with my vibrator

Halloween VIII:
Fleurdelochi: god, i was in some room one night and made a comment
about a loud plane flying overhead and a girl told me she was
right down the street from me

OSHA Warnings:
AgIaophonos: but there is nothing quite like being in the company
of penetration without getting carpal tunnel

Mixed Messages:
SteveIzHere5: I worked out today.
SteveIzHere5: my lower body is sore
oooolijay: good job steve
SteveIzHere5: soon I'll be one of those bodybuilder freaks
SteveIzHere5: thanks
SteveIzHere5: yeah, I'm going to bed in a few when I finish this beer.

Steve as Discussion Leader:
SteveIzHere5: I'm drinking munich beer.
SteveIzHere5: beer from Munich
SteveIzHere5: very good
AnonyMitch: oooli
oooolijay: ed, do you live in dallas or just close to dallas

Anony's World:
AnonyMitch: i'm wtchign tv
AnonyMitch: again and again
oooolijay: okay anony
AnonyMitch: still
AnonyMitch: when ahnuld says "get. out." you do what he says.

Grammar Uncertainty as PMS symptom:
CordialCactus: i have some honey statistics from a bee hive
keeping honey maker, its unbelievable how little each bee makes
oooolijay: it's pure and sweet
CordialCactus: oh oooli, im really pms-y.. i have moments
of supreme unsweetness
oooolijay: but you probably feel really badly about it
oooolijay: bad? badly?
CordialCactus: badly
oooolijay: thank you
oooolijay: i never know which one
CordialCactus: poorly would be the most proper, i bet
oooolijay: probably
Tom Brite: it modifies a verb, making it an "ly" adverb, love
CordialCactus: thanks tom.. i knew you had a use


Tom's Joke(with commetary):
Tom Brite: a 40 year old man meets a 16 year old girl in the park
Tom Brite: the 40 year old says he is embarassed to be a virgin
at his age
Doc Whew: is this a true story tom
Tom Brite: the 16 year old girl says not to worry everyone is
embarassed about something
Doc Whew: he had a small penis
Tom Brite: the girl says that she never takes her top off because
she is embarassed
Doc Whew: so he said go ahead
Alansueton: Doc shush
Doc Whew: sorry
Doc Whew: :-X
Tom Brite: and the man says he never has taken his pants off in
front of a woman because he is hung like a baby
Tom Brite: so they make a deal
Tom Brite: the girl takes her top off
Doc Whew: and its big
Tom Brite: the man says he likes what he sees
Doc Whew: :-X
Tom Brite: the girl persuades the 40 year old man to then take
his pants down
BinxB91: this all happened in a park?
BobsurAuntTom: And she says, I can see why you'd be embarassed?
Alansueton: everyone shush
Doc Whew: werent they loitering at this point
Tom Brite: when the girl sees the man she passes out
oooolijay: this is a long story
BobsurAuntTom: He's a slow typer.
Doc Whew: and dahmer comes along and says
Doc Whew: are you gonna eat that
BobsurAuntTom: Punchline, please
BobsurAuntTom: por favor
Tom Brite: i told u i was hung like a baby the man says:
9 pounds and 5 ounces
Doc Whew: a lotta effort for
Alansueton: good one
BobsurAuntTom: Now wait... why was his being a virgin important
in this joke?
BinxB91: I liked Doc Whew's punch line better
oooolijay: maybe i'll tell that one to my niece
BobsurAuntTom: I mean, it was good and all but the whole virgin
thing was a bit silly.
Tom Brite: dont amnalyze it bobsur
BobsurAuntTom: Tom, I'm sorry... I need to.
Doc Whew: was she really a virgin

Candice Distracted:
CordialCactus: oh! i found a person on twitter who is very funny
and acerbic.. just fun to read

Get Back to Sex Talk Then:
Doc Whew: we already had most of this discussion earlier

21 More Dresses and She'll Have a Screenplay:
Tammynet: i have been a maid of honor 6 times ....that kind of sucks

India Report:
Madam Mimi: Binx the most surprising was the subway system in calcutta.
Amazing. Clean, cool, marble floors, trains on time

In a Rut:
CordialCactus: i havent had a date that didnt involve
chicken wings in soooo long

You Really Can't:
oooolijay: you can't just say OMGOMGOMG and then complain
about my carrot

Betting That's Not a Navel:
Summers Eve L: I don't want lint in my hoohoo.

What Qualifies as Fancy:
Summers Eve L: I am the FANCY one who uses them newfangled TAMPONS.

Rono's world:
Niontron9: Chinese people created lots of stuff for the world
oooolijay: like chinese food.
Niontron9: oooli
Niontron9: that is not an invention
oooolijay: it's still good

Julie's Talent:
oooolijay: my mother once told me that one of my most
interesting talents is being able to insult people without
their ever knowing it
Condorblues: oooolijay, that's a wonderful trait

There's a Special Section for Those at Border's:
Vskmjk: Anyone here enjoy reading novels that explore the
ugliness and gut wrenching compromise of humanity while
constantly keeping a level tone and at times comedic feeling
in the reader?
Condorblues: vskmjk, I watch the brady bunch for that stuff

On I-40 East Bound:
Niontron9: Bush Insider Who planned to tell all Killed in a
plain crash:www.niontron.com

Freudian Slip:
oooolijay: rono, i tried to im you just now
oooolijay: would you rather i emailed?
Niontron9: hole on

Julie's day:
BinxB91: not watching football?
oooolijay: nah, i've been busy today
BinxB91: busy doing what?
I2DaysInNovember: wife is watching the second Jurrasic Park movie
on SciFi
oooolijay: taking care of my iguana who is under the weather
oooolijay: laundry
oooolijay: getting stuff ready for the interview tomorrow

Texas People:
oooolijay: my parents had a longhorn skull over the fireplace
when i was growing up

I love categories:
DETRASH: hubby loves to cook he is in his bliss now
DETRASH: at the beach hous we have an open kitchen so I can
watch him cook
BinxB91: DET, what kind of cuisine?
I2DaysInNovember: I love cuisine


Apropos of Nothing:

Tallthinjones: i couldn't stand being a siamese fraternal twin with
lucile ball

CGilbert66: Getting old is worse then trying to get layed
when your 15

Tom Brite: i have written a short story about my first
masturbatory expereience

PatientOnion3: I haven't driven a car in over 30 years

Poor Bidet: the missing half of my giant purple couch arrived today

AXELvonAUR: I had to miss the cleavage episode of Seinfeld tonight


Noted:
oooolijay: sometimes i like nasty

Prospect's Concerned:
Prospect26: I am always concerned when I see The Bell Jar....
because I see suicide and the thought there.

Welcome to Book Shelf:
Im2charming: this is chat room for why you hate people and
wiite it down and dig a hole and bury it

Gee Did She Get a Wrong Number:
Im2charming: HI Bidet what to hear my story I am sure you will like me

Gin!:
Im2charming: I was dealt my hand and played it with a big lost
hand that I had to come back with four aces

That's That:
Poor Bidet: i went to the farm store today
Poor Bidet: and the owner wasn't there
Poor Bidet: because her son-in-law was t-boned by an 18-year-old
on his way to work this morning and died instantly
AnonyMitch: uh oh
AnonyMitch: terrible.
Poor Bidet: and that's that.