Mostly Onion With a Side of Beys

Blind Date:
forkrererereredx: beys, stop being nice. you don't give a
fuck about me
forkrererereredx: i don't know what you're up to
Beysshoes: i'm not being nice fork. nice is a meaningless
word for one thing
Beysshoes: hows this: i give half a fuck about you?

Snooky Explained:
KissMyAsterix: people love snooky because she's a caricature
of a person


The DoomGrl Diaries:
DoomGrl: Binx should pay attention in case any body says
something funny

DoomGrl: my name is Doom cause my dad was a hippy, but he
is not any more

DoomGrl: my dad said that when they were in college his
friend had a volkwagon bus
DoomGrl: it was named Further
is this good?

What Are You Wearing?
Beysshoes: i told you. shorts and a peasant blouse. sheesh

Strange Roommates;
PatientOnion1: bey and me made a bet, if obama wins in 2012
i have to sell my condo and move in with her, if obama loses,
bey has to sell her condo and move to sf
KissMyAsterix: well that's all good and fine
KissMyAsterix: but neither of you have condos do you


Choking:
Beysshoes: lolomg

Onion as Matchmaker:
PatientOnion1: sent wonderfou
wonderfouI: That's Sable?
PatientOnion1: yes
wonderfouI: Wow, what the fuck.
PatientOnion1: you can see the insanity in her soul
KissMyAsterix: clearly insanity is good for the looks
wonderfouI: She looks attractive there. And not fucking crazy.
PatientOnion1: wonder, you must be really really horny
wonderfouI: I'm not.
KissMyAsterix: my friend had a cat like that, it was painfully
cute and horribly psychotic


Mark Twain:
Boulshevit: Ouch...Dino, I nearly dowloaded the new twain
autobiography...was it re written?
KissMyAsterix: they're trying to bouls
KissMyAsterix: make it more pc
forkrererereredx: fork will accept that
quiet scientist: roger ebert held an online poll and asked
"which would you rather get rid of?: huck finn or every
video game ever made?"
quiet scientist: overwhelming majority of people under 25
picked huck finn :(
forkrererereredx: so are they trying to change every single
of copy of huck finn for good?
quiet scientist: just that one publishing company
forkrererereredx: like you will never be able to get a copy
that says NIGGER
KissMyAsterix: I can't see how it's ethical or legal to rewrite
it when he's dead


If You Miss Christmas:
Tammynet: you could dress the tree up in hearts and presidents
next month


On Banker Street:
Tammynet: "stuck in the middle with you"
BinxB91: Steeler's Wheels?
BinxB91: Jerry Rafferty died this past week
Boulshevit: Yes!
quiet scientist: gerry
BinxB91: Gerry? really?
quiet scientist: yep
quiet scientist: and stealer's
quiet scientist: and wheel
BinxB91: stealers? wheel? really?
BinxB91: Sorry, Gerry. Nothing personal, I'm just a fuck-up
Boulshevit: Binx...we get used to it
quiet scientist: lol, i don't think he minds

Chat Guide Lines:
KissMyAsterix: sometimes you look away and you
shouldn't look back

Also Subject-Verb Agreement:
Niontron9: high expectations and instant gratification is
the biggest cause of failure

Biotech Misheard:
Boulshevit: Okay, someone just said "biotch" in this movie,
I'm not being the proper parent and stopping this quagmire

Bird Brain:
quiet scientist: i'll answer when i come back
quiet scientist: nature calls
BinxB91: Your bird feeders are empty?

Lunch With Rono:
Niontron9: I had lunch with this dumb bitch Jenni...dumbest
broad I have ever met
KissMyAsterix: brevity would assume that was understood by
her having lunch with you


Book Chat 2011:
Bedrock18: read anything good lately?
Bedrock18: i guess that's a no
wonderfouI: Bedrock, tell me first.
Bedrock18: tell you what first?
Bedrock18: if i have?
wonderfouI: Obviously.
Bedrock18: yes, neil gaiman, neverwhere
wonderfouI: Boring.
Bedrock18: k
Bedrock18: that's an opinion
wonderfouI: What are you, some kinda nerd.
Bedrock18: have you read anything good lately?
wonderfouI: Are you a nerd, are ya.
Bedrock18: or do you only read chat?
Bedrock18: sounds like maybe you only read chat.
Bedrock18: is that true?
Bedrock18: you only read chat?
Bedrock18: :-\
wonderfouI: No, shut up and kiss me.
Bedrock18: never
wonderfouI: It's now or never.
Bedrock18: but good line
Bedrock18: well, i already answered that one
Bedrock18: sheesh
Bedrock18: kabob
Bedrock18: a
Bedrock18: louie
wonderfouI: That is so lame.
wonderfouI: Where's my kiss, you awful person.
Bedrock18: lol
Bedrock18: i LAFFFFFF
Bedrock18: i LAFFFF, i tell you
Bedrock18: hahahahahahaha


"If I wanted chat I wouldn't have gotten you drunk":
Traveln on: if i wanted sex, i wouldnt come into book shelf


Unemployment Benefits:
Mg500mv: Last year I read 392 books

Stunned Silence:
Mg500mv: Tomorrow I will read Patterns In The Sand
by Sally Goldenbaum
Mg500mv: How is everyones' weekend? Mine is great
Mg500mv: Why the silence?

Noted:
Onimesh: binx is annoying

Rono Seeking Medical Advice:
Niontron9: your mother was diagonesed with what
Beyssox: parkinsons
Niontron9: how she got that
Niontron9: I mean what causes it
Niontron9: so that I can be careful

Never Saw It Comin':
Beyssox: i went on eBay and tried to do research and ended
up buying stuff.

Navel Onions:
TiaNoi: he's a chopper
TiaNoi: a salad chef on a navy vessel
BinxB91: Onion in the Navy?
Beyssox: onion work? walk about? uhm nolo
Beyssox: unless it's at the whole foods
TiaNoi: Onion and I were ship mates in our last life
TiaNoi: we swabbed the decks and chopped the salads
KissMyAsterix: did he walk the plank voluntarily?
TiaNoi: he walked in back and forth
KissMyAsterix: somehow I see Onion getting seasick.

What Makes a Socio:
Beyssox: okay so continue about that movie pls
Beyssox: why is the guy a socio?
BinxB91: Beys, he just is. He likes a lot of meaningless sex
Beyssox: meaningless sex doesn't make somebody a socio silly
KissMyAsterix: no doesn't that make someone male

Support Tj34:
DoomGrl: he is writing again more!!
Beyssox: on his new book
DoomGrl: sometimes we still email
Beyssox: tell us about the january article
DoomGrl: he almost got hit by a truck while walking Sugar -
like Stephen King
Beyssox: sheesh
DoomGrl: it is called Bomb Shelter Noel and the main girl is
called Doom Girl - a radio host
DoomGrl: one of her friends is a dancer named Dixie
DoomGrl: you could buy the Jan PlayBoy and support writers - haha

What's Really Good for You - Turn off the TV:
Niontron9: you ever wondered why the medias don't tell the
people what is good for them, but where someone gets kiled
is on it before anything else

True North?:
Asia7384: K, I don't know with any degree of certainty, but
seismograph readings around the globe are at disturbing levels
KissMyAsterix: higher than normal?
KissMyAsterix: really, is true north lying again?

Cow Theories:
Asia7384: 200 cows dropped over dead in a Wisconsin field
yesterday
Asia7384: all at once
KissMyAsterix: you sure they're not just napping?
PatientOnion1: the crop circle killed them
Asia7384: no virus I know works like that
KissMyAsterix: maybe they died of boredom, it is wisconsin..
KissMyAsterix: cow tipping gone bad
Rafo65: Maybe they were all cheeseheads, and it was the
effect of.. well.. almost cannibalism
KissMyAsterix: I think they were meditating, and they
managed to lower their heartrates down so low, everyone
thinks they're dead.

Cheese Chat I:
Catpower777: we were very low on snackage
Catpower777: I found myself making a lot of grilled cheese
sandwiches for teens
Catpower777: come to find out vegetarians can't eat Velveeta
Catpower777: apparently Velveeta has gelatin
Catpower777: who knew?
Beysshoes: is gelatin animal based?
Catpower777: yes
Beysshoes: it is? from what animal???
Catpower777: horse hooves and intestines
Beysshoes: some kind of fishy? omg ew
Catpower777: yeah
Beysshoes: well, there goes my liking for jellos.
Catpower777: exactly
Beysshoes: fortunately we'll both prolly forget this
by tomorrow

Cheese Chat II:
Catpower777: well, I don't know about Kraft singles
BinxB91: I once went to a Kraft Singles Bar
Beysshoes: whats a kraft singles bar binky?
Catpower777: oh Bey
Catpower777: you need a cup o' coffee
Catpower777: caffeinated
Beysshoes: what? that was a joke?
Catpower777: yeah, it was a joke
BinxB91: yes, Beys ... there is no Krafts Singles Bar
Beysshoes: oh.
Beysshoes: i'm pretty dull this weekend.
BinxB91: dull ... but cute
Catpower777: bey, do you know what a singles' bar is?
Beysshoes: yes cat. you can shup now
Catpower777: aw, you kissed me
Beysshoes: fugly cute. nolo on the kiss.
BinxB91: Beys used to go to singles bars and try to
order cheese
BinxB91: "can I buy you a drink?" "couldn't I have
some cheese instead"
Beysshoes: okay, i kissed you. cat are the amigos still
there? oh binx. stop it. really. stop.
Beysshoes: what happed? are they done?
Catpower777: I think you have this fantasy of me being
constantly surrounded by hunky workers
BinxB91: I did stop ... though I had one more Krafts Singles line
Beysshoes: okay i wanna hear the line please
BinxB91: oh ... I was just imaginning Beysshoes in nothing
but a couple of Kraft singles
Beysshoes: oh binxb91!
Beysshoes:
BinxB91: YAY ... smirk beats smack
KissMyAsterix: thanks binx, now we've all had to do that

Guess Amber's Work Place:
AmberDevilRay8: I used to work with a guy, and we muted a
baseball game and asked him to provde his own play-by-play.
AmberDevilRay8: After the first pitch, the pitcher was
getting ready to throw it again, and the guy said
"OK...second down..."

Onion Not Moving On:
PatientOnion1: where is that mushroom cloud that condeleeza
and Bush2 were warning us about?
PatientOnion1: bush 2 was our first hillbilly president, he
did a fine job



"is she rich?":
PatientOnion1: alan, how many times are you going to reproduce
with your 25 yo babydoll?
Alansueton: Patient zero
Alansueton: no kids
quiet scientist: were you married?
Alansueton: yes
quiet scientist: is she your soulmate?
quiet scientist: your muse? your flame? your rock?
Alansueton: quiet, partner will do the puffy words wear out
quickly
quiet scientist: is she rich?
Alansueton: quiet I don't know

Refined Guy Talk:
Zachariah957: better to find a wife who comes with the jewels
Alansueton: I'll take a wife who loves my "bijoux indiscrets"
KissMyAsterix: does that mean lengthy absenses Alan?
quiet scientist: are you saying you have a prince albert?
KissMyAsterix: or body odors
Alansueton: no indiscrete jewels slang for genitals


What Most People Think:
Niontron9: Most people think after getting college education
there is nothing else to learn on this planet
PatientOnion1: you have to learn how to pay off your college
loans

The Things That Pass For Knowledge:
Niontron9: the phrase , "knoledge is power" is wrong
Beysshoes: imagination above intellect (einstein)
KissMyAsterix: well spelled that way it sure the hell is
KissMyAsterix: and I suppose what you consider knowledge
is really a deterrent


[First Rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite
hermaphrodites representing abolutely nothing. All they do
is show you've been to college.
And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding
whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell
you when I'm kidding.
For instance, join the National Guard or the the Marines and
teach democracy. I'm kidding.
We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you
have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm
kidding.
If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have
the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the
arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a
living. They are very human way of making life more bear-
able. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a
way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the
shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to
a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly
can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have
created something.]


Roommate Wanted:
quiet scientist: how much is a 2-bedroom apt?
PatientOnion1: $20/month for utilities
PatientOnion1: $1,600.00
PatientOnion1: but you make a lot
quiet scientist: at pizza hut?
PatientOnion1: so it's just 35% of your income
PatientOnion1: quiet, you would get a bf to pay your rent,
and you could finish school and become a nurse or psychiatrist like Jam
KissMyAsterix: I know a psychiatric nurse


Doom Skeptical:
DoomGrl: Im depressed tonite
PatientOnion1: doom, alan is marrying this woman he met
at the homeless shelter they were both staying at
DoomGrl: I think you made that up
PatientOnion1: two vagrants, walking into the sunset, hand in hand
PatientOnion1: go to his blog, it's all poemed out


Like He Used to Be:
DoomGrl: Im so depressed. I wish Fork was still here and
nice like he used to be


Jam and His Drill Sergeant:
PatientOnion1: jam, you should call the alan colmes radio
show, it's on fox, 90% of his callers are halfwits with thick
tea bagger accents, and 3rd grade educations, it's a laugh
riot
Jam7604801: onion i don't listen to fox
PatientOnion1: you need the graphics of beck's blackboard to l
earn?
Jam7604801: onion i don't watch fox either
Jam7604801: onion i have never really understood the whole
concept of the left and the right anyway

Bosom Buddies:
Jam7604801: onion i like watching pbs create hannel
PatientOnion1: what was the best show you saw on it?
Jam7604801: onion i like bob ross and primal grilling

Bosom Buddies and Beyond:
PatientOnion1: bey likes soap operas and oprah
PatientOnion1: i don't have a tv anymore
Jam7604801: why not onion?
PatientOnion1: wasn't anything worth watching I guess
Jam7604801: pbs onion
PatientOnion1: just netflix for movies on the computer
Jam7604801: onion thats a waste of money
PatientOnion1: i listen to npr, on the weekends
PatientOnion1: it's just $10
Jam7604801: go to www.fastpasstv.com
(Keyword to: www.fastpasstv.com) movies and tv are free


Minority Report:
PatientOnion1: mao's terror seemed to have worked, they
have a labor shortage, we have high unemployment. All
we need to do is kill all the poor people, mostly
republican hillbillies in the red states
KissMyAsterix: Onion you're such a forward thinker..
Alansueton: US has no right to talk human rights when
we imprison folks, torture them and hold them without
charges
Beysshoes: onions for president in 2012
Alansueton: Iraq and Afghanistan
KissMyAsterix: you could run the tea party with concepts
like that
Alansueton: Drone bombing Yemen, Pakistan and Yemen
Tammynet: correct alan



Onion as Howard Beale:
Zachariah957: kiss please do i remember when bush was
selected in 2001 i told everyone i knew that america will
be at war by September
Alansueton: Zach nah after the Israeli defense minister
enraged Bibi by stating to the press that Iran won't be
near nuclear capability til 2015
PatientOnion1: it's not war, it's occupation
Alansueton: Lebanon will be the war this year
KissMyAsterix: I'm pretty sure that's a valid defense hickory.
KissMyAsterix: you were off by a month then..
PatientOnion1: it creates jobs, welfare for halfwit hillbillies
AlaPatientOnion1: govt food, govt housing, obamacare, 100%
govt welfare, pigs feeding at the trough
PatientOnion1: that's the military. canada and mexico are
not going to invade us
PatientOnion1: without govt employment, unemployment would
be 42.1%
PatientOnion1: unless they decided to take jobs in the private
sector at $3.15 an hour
PatientOnion1: with no benefits
PatientOnion1: work 10 hours for $40/day
PatientOnion1: six days a week


"that horse is no carnival ride"
Beysshoes: how was the Ukraine?
Alansueton: you all know how much i hate talking about myself
Alansueton: I feel so ABASHED
Alansueton: it's my word of the week
Alansueton: ABASHED
Catpower777: right, far be it from you to enjoy the spotlight
Alansueton: Beys outside of the cold weather and the heroin
users it was wonderful
Alansueton: the people were kind gracious
Catpower777: did you have a big fur Dr. Zhivago chapeau?
Alansueton: and most spoke english tolerably
KissMyAsterix: what have you got against heroin users, the
huddles would have kept you warm
Alansueton: KMA so thin empty eyes and lovely women emaciated
Alansueton: sad sad
Alansueton: that horse is no carnival ride

Cruel Jokes:
KissMyAsterix: he had a double fur muffler
Catpower777: is that a euphemism?
Alansueton: nah I had a Cap
Catpower777: has this gone X-rated?
KissMyAsterix: no cat lol
Alansueton: but a jamaican knit cap
Alansueton: it was funny
KissMyAsterix: he dressed very light
Alansueton: made me look far more exotic than I was
Catpower777: you have your dreds tucked up?
KissMyAsterix: he wanted some tsa action
Alansueton: Cat please talking about hair will only make
certain parties joke about baldness, wigs or toupees
KissMyAsterix: I guess it's cruel to joke about things some
people don't have..like food, heat or.. hair


Teased Hair:
Alansueton: KMA hey my legs above the knee no hair
Alansueton: weird
Alansueton: I still get teased about it
KissMyAsterix: I heard that Alan.. if you wax enough it
won't grow back
KissMyAsterix: it's true huh?

Don't Stop til get (us) Enough:
Beysshoes: did you find some amber or green opals or russian
diopside for her para?
Alansueton: Beys no
Alansueton: I didn't shop
Beysshoes: omg you missed an excellent opportunity to get her
something rare you cheap ass
Tammynet: ahem....beys ...he owes us!!! he missed his chance
to buy us cool stuff
Alansueton: Bey nothing rarer than my love
Alansueton: nothing as valuable
Alansueton: trinkets are for pimps and streetwalkers
Beysshoes: i know tammy. and lets never forget to remind him
about this.
Beysshoes: dat be us yep
Tammynet: it is a pact beys


Exceeding Her Quota:
Beysshoes: how did your geoduck turn out onions?
Beysshoes: dammitall. was that a joke too?
KissMyAsterix: well..
Beysshoes: that's just cruel.
KissMyAsterix: I'm just not sure what to think of a phallic clam beys
KissMyAsterix: but for you it can be a possibility
Beysshoes: omg i really am this stoopid.
Beysshoes: okay. i've embarrASSed meself enough for one night



It's the ears:
Paneweth: i think you are mistaking bush for obama

It's a code:
Paneweth: val is great and i love fish!

Now that Health Care has passed:
Catpower777: we need to make rono laugh