DOOMGRL and Other Short Stories
(no Trivial Pursuit additions this time)
-I imagine a younger DoomGrl in a 5th grade classroom
being introduced to Haiku poetry. When the class is
turned loose to write independently, Doom raises her
hand and asks the teacher, "can I use just two lines?"
-I imagine PatientOnion in a pre-chef phase when
he tried his hand at abstract art. Jackson Pollack
pays a visit to his class. Stopping in front of Onion's
easel, he bursts, "what the hell is that?"


Rocky Mountain High:
DoomGrl: i bought a shovel at wal marts.
it cost seven dollars

Sorry Boys:
DoomGrl: I am not erotic tonite

A Microphone?:
DoomGrl: I want one of those singamajigs

Her Inner Nerd:
DoomGrl: I am going to join the Aquarium Club

CandyLand:
DoomGrl: this one time, some girl I know got a tootsie roll
with a tooth in it
PatientOnionSF: in middle school?
DoomGrl: yes the same day jake almost choked on a Jolly Rancher

Spearmint Salad:
Melodramamama22: i got a salad with some chewed up gum in it
Melodramamama22: i wasn't very jolly at all
Melodramamama22: it was spearmint, it still had flavor

Think We're Alone Now:
DoomGrl: one nite, creepy and book and me said what names we call
parts of our bodies
DoomGrl: nobody else was here

Screw You Quentin:
DoomGrl: i dont really like tarantinoes hipster cooler-than-thou
cycnicism
DoomGrl: and the fact that he doesnt spell so gud


hehehehe:
Cognomen98: dyslexics untie
NotRed1537: for information, see com.dyslexia.www

Not a Romatic Comedy?:
PatientOnionSF: how does the bible end?
PatientOnionSF: anybody get blown up?

House Beautiful:
DoomGrl: We have a piano in the dining room. above it is an
original signed silk screen of dr seusses ten foot long ally cat


Contagious?:
DoomGrl: david foster wallace wrote an incredible story about
depression
Melodramamama22: oh my god, i bought a david foster wallace book



Apropos of Nothing:

LadyQuasi: I made two Dr. Seuss hats tonight.

EmpressZ21: what do you do for itchy ears

Ragamuffingirl35: i was never toohot

DoomGrl: i have never smoked crack with daddy

PatientOnionSF: i like all hot mentally ill females under 30

Tom Brite: i saw two gay guys buy a dog collar at wal mart




When the Birthers Get Tired:
Neil Orange Peal: obama, is ferrying in his black relatives


If You Have Ask ...:
DoomGrl: my dad says only stupid people get bored
Raphael11110: Doom what does that mean?

Sex Education:
Hadachoke: Shampooing the Boa Constrictor is a euphemism for self-sex
LadyQuasi: OMG. I had never heard that phrase before.
LadyQuasi: Learn something new every day...
DoomGrl: they are nothing like boa constrictors


Her Crazy Samaon Lawyer:
DoomGrl: when we were in texas we saw a binxalotl on the road one day
BinxB91: a binxalotl?
PatientOnionSF: the mythical binxalotl, were you on peote?
DoomGrl: peyote yes
PatientOnionSF: what is peote?
Catpower777: is peyote one of those that makes you throw up?
LadyQuasi: Binxalotl? Is that like a jackalope?
PatientOnionSF: it is a texas unicorn with fish scales
DoomGrl: and in the motel, when I was having a bath, my crazy
samoan lawyer tossed the radio in the tub
DoomGrl: and playing WHITE RABBIT
PatientOnionSF: was the radio on?



Economics 101:
Nishw15: go figure! $8 or 10 for a book is a big chunk out of
someone's finances but they'll stand line all day eager to plunk
down $500 or $600 for the latest electronic gadget
Nishw15: what's wrong with this picture?
PatientOnionSF: yeah but they can have sex with the electronic
sex gadget
PatientOnionSF: i just rented a movie about that
PatientOnionSF: LARS AND THE REAL GIRL
Catpower777: I love that movie !

Geology or Ecology 101:
Catpower777: what's up with all these earthquakes
Catpower777: doesn't it seem like more than usual?
Beysshoes: its part of global warming you idjit
Catpower777: end of days?
Beysshoes: we are broke backing up our earth. yes.
Catpower777: is it time to burn my journals?

Onion Movin On Up:
PatientOnionSF: bey, these are private people who invite strangers
to their house for food and fun
Beysshoes: and you're part of that group onion?
PatientOnionSF: no, not yet
Tom Brite: swingers
PatientOnionSF: i have to further expand my culinary genius, that's
why i did the jerk pork
Beysshoes: cat and i will write you a proper letter of introduction.
Catpower777: so Onion is sending me to an Indian swingers party?
Catpower777: curry and cumin
Catpower777: so to speak


In Your Hometown:
Catpower777: oh they have some time lapse tsunami thing on cnn
website, but I can't figure out what I'm looking at
Beysshoes: you mean it got here cat?
Catpower777: reportedly, Bey
Beysshoes: the tsunami hit us cat?
Catpower777: that's what cnn says
Beysshoes: omg! was it bad?
Catpower777: doesn't look like it



ADHD:
CernutzB: what is happening?
Beysshoes: we're destroying the earth is whats hap
Beysshoes: and onion made some jamaican jerky


Double Entendre:
CernutzB: is anyone reading anything, good?
Beysshoes: i have saunders "braindead megaphone"
Catpower777: is that a book Bey, or are you giving us an update
on your mental status?
Beysshoes: its political satire. binky bought it for me


Godwit Bashing:
Beysshoes: i feel so bad for godwit. he was in love with edwards.
he must be heart broken onions
PatientOnionSF: he will find another man to express his gay love for
CernutzB: hey, i supported Edwards, too.... another regret
Catpower777: I didn't realize Edwards is gay
PatientOnionSF: i made refried brown rice but it stuck to the pan
so i am soaking it
PatientOnionSF: just godwit is gay
Beysshoes: sheesh cat. keep up
PatientOnionSF: not edwards
PatientOnionSF: godwit has a photo of edwards over his bed
Beysshoes: he was enamoured of him
Catpower777: does he have a copy of the sex tape?


Onion Fantasy:
PatientOnionSF: i broiled the jamaican jerk in that sexy pan bey
Beysshoes: omg that rocks onion. thx for telling me.
PatientOnionSF: with the ridges
PatientOnionSF: to simulate a grill experience
PatientOnionSF: like when binky took you to the beach and put
you on those hot rocks

The Attorney General Guys:
Beysshoes: i just received a notice from the attorney generals office
guys
Catpower777: why is that, Bey?
Beysshoes: saying they knew i ordered cigs online and its illegal
Beysshoes: and i could be fined thousands.
Catpower777: are you serious ?
Beysshoes: yes cat. its so so effin' weird i cant tell you
Catpower777: who do you have to sleep with to get out of paying, Bey?
Beysshoes: i'm looking into that cat


Call Screener:
Hyperion x3: I once phone sexed with this girl...and the mom would
listen to our conversation from the other phone
Hyperion x3: later when I called, the mom wouldn't let her talk to me



Onion's neighbors:
PatientOnionSF: i watch my naked neighbors watch tv, they have one
in each room
AngelGardn: i watched my naked neighbors in the shower
Catpower777: Onion, why are your neighbors always nekkid?
Catpower777: is it a nudist apt complex?
PatientOnionSF: just the last two, the previous ones weren't, i
think cuz the rent is so high now, it attracts rich naked people
PatientOnionSF: they refuse to put down their blinds, i like to watch
their cats too
PatientOnionSF: i thought she was pregnant, but just a belly
PatientOnionSF: she does all the laundry and wipes the cat hair
off the bed
PatientOnionSF: he wears sweat pants that always fall down
Catpower777: god
Beysshoes: go on onions. sweat pants falling down ...


Beysshoes' Tsunami:
KissMyAsterix: how did you sleep through the alarms
KissMyAsterix: they started at six
Beysshoes: kissy. i was so stoopid i thought it was my neighbors
house alarm.
KissMyAsterix: see, see where the empty bottle of jose cuervo
gets you beys
KissMyAsterix: and you what
Beysshoes: i thought. wow she has a good one. so of course i ran
over to her house
KissMyAsterix: thought oh hell.. let them fry or die or get robbed?
Hyperion x3: Charles Darwin's wife's name was Emma
Beysshoes: and she looked at me like i was baking mental cakes
upstairs
Melodramamama22: did you run over in your jammies?
Beysshoes: yes mama. well, shorts and a tank top
Melodramamama22: close enough
zomcom81: Are you talking about the tsunami sirens?
KissMyAsterix: you dressed for the occasion?
KissMyAsterix: yeah beys ignored them


The Yawning Watch Dog:
KissMyAsterix: how could derby stand it
Beysshoes: well, she's no security dog. i can tell you that.
she was yawning yawning very loudly for a half hour
Beysshoes: (she doesn't bark)
KissMyAsterix: so she was very anxious and it made her sleepy
Beysshoes: haha. she sounds genetically mine yes?
KissMyAsterix: she probably stressed thinking, jesus.. she's
ignoring the tsunami alarms
zomcom81: A dog that doesn't bark? I need one of those
Beysshoes: kissy. i tried to teach the dog to bark. but yawning
is as far as she went

The Biting Cat:
Melodramamama22: my cat is genetically mine. a man came in here
and she hissed at him
Melodramamama22: then bit him
Melodramamama22: mah baby
Beysshoes: you trained her propers mama
Melodramamama22: i guess pets take on the characteristics of their
owners
Beysshoes: you like to bite your men too mama? lolol
Melodramamama22: well yeah, but i usually save the hissing for the
second date
Melodramamama22: she's just a cat tho, she can't be faulted for
getting it backwards


Cross Words:
MSteelLove: No comprendy|?
KissMyAsterix: comprendyl lol
KissMyAsterix: that's like a cross between spanish and pharmaceuticals


A Beautiful Mind:
MSteelLove: Book shelf, seemes a good place not to have to hear
those weird voices, of ..
Melodramamama22: oh uh oh
Beysshoes: uh oh
Beysshoes: jinx
Beysshoes: okay, please take your meds. pulease
KissMyAsterix: are they attached to a person
KissMyAsterix: these voices
Hyperion x3: Charles Darwin had a daughter who died at the age of 10


Well, not that beautiful:
MSteelLove: I'm trying not to hear... the greater implication,
that all of you know all of you, and have to sit and endure the sick,
hugs of real friendship, and butt sucking of fimiliarity. I'm new.
KissMyAsterix: what kind of friends do you have, that butt sucking
is involved
KissMyAsterix: and beys
Melodramamama22: we don't generally suck butts in here
Beysshoes: there are hugs of real friendship in here? where? when?
Melodramamama22: not literally at least
Beysshoes: tehl us!
KissMyAsterix: he just called you a buttsucker lol

Analyse This:
MSteelLove: All the hugs, how is yer aunt, and who you sleeping with.
MSteelLove: A group of, been together for too long.
Melodramamama22: oh, you mean inane familiar chat amongst friends,
that you are not a part of
Melodramamama22: and that makes you feel disenfranchised and lonely
MSteelLove: Some peep come with open hearts, and knowing nothing of
the drama of a particular room.
MSteelLove: Or, the characters involved.
KissMyAsterix: yeah about that, this is soundling like soap chat
MSteelLove: I seek to be in a place where few can talk, and be
themselves.
Beysshoes: mebbe its not cus you're new. mebbe its cus you're boring
and practically illiterate.
KissMyAsterix: there's that buttsucking
MSteelLove: Crack lickin.
MSteelLove: ::finds a seat, and breeathes deeply:
Beysshoes: okay. taking back the boring part.




That G Word:
Hyperion x3: left ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (VLPFC)
Melodramamama22: AHHA! ventrolateral prefrontal cortex
KissMyAsterix: it was right there on the tip of my
Melodramamama22: mine's all messed up
Melodramamama22: my prefrontal cortex, i mean
KissMyAsterix: ventrolateral prefrontal cortex
Beysshoes: rono its so cool when you're on your aspirin
regiment and doing your genius stuff again.
KissMyAsterix: twenty for that one beys
MSteelLove: So, are impressed my the vocabulary, and intelligence yet?
KissMyAsterix: the genius is over the top buttsucking
KissMyAsterix: I think you're moving into dangerous territory


The Three Little P's:
PatientOnionSF: rono's daily regime
PatientOnionSF: pork, porn and p*nis
PatientOnionSF: the three P's of a happy m*slim in j*w york city


Another Newbie Washes Out:
Hyperion x3: time to listen to sound of jungle and slowly fall asleep
in the jungle in my mind
Hyperion x3: night
MSteelLove: :runs out screaming, these all more terrorists::
Melodramamama22: "these all more terrorists"
KissMyAsterix: another happy customer
PatientOnionSF: terriers
PatientOnionSF: woof woof
zomcom81: That was the voices, see. It's bad for you.
PatientOnionSF: steel and rono got a room at the heartbreak hotel
zomcom81: Voices have bad grammar


Doom and Jena and Toonsis:
DoomGrl: I punched a man in the nose cause he called Jena a slut
Bgrant444: Who is Jena?
DoomGrl: she was my best friend from about 10 to 16
DoomGrl: or 17
DoomGrl: for awhile she did the commercials for the mentally ill
teenager place
Forkrerereredux: died from the consumption
DoomGrl: no, she is fine. she works at the college
Forkrerereredux: is she hot?
DoomGrl: she is pretty
Forkrerereredux: that means fat
BinxB91: the college? University of Colorado?
DoomGrl: no, not that college
DoomGrl: she works in the admissions office
DoomGrl: her cat is named Toonsis


Food Fight:
PatientOnionSF: i found a new hot shelfer, but she has 3 kids
and she's happily married to a millionaire
BinxB91: happily married ...
BinxB91: I can't imagine that
PatientOnionSF: which part?
BinxB91: happily married
PatientOnionSF: you were happily married to your non-white wife
for several months
BinxB91: Melodramamama is the biggest cynic about marriage
BinxB91: Yet she's still funny
PatientOnionSF: melo was happily married until she stopped drinking
BinxB91: Melo's a curie
BinxB91: cutie
PatientOnionSF: melo is not a curry, she's more like a stale poptart


Niontron As Song Mixer:
Niontron9: the reason old songs sound crappy is because they didn't
have digital equipments back then
Catpower777: who said old songs sound crappy?
NotRed1537: Nion did
Cognomen98: yes, the charming hissing and popping sounds
Cognomen98: but a lot of them get remastered
Niontron9: I mean...you can feel it from the drumming
NotRed1537: all those sounds are groovy


Dean Martin Twitches:
NotRed1537: When you start to feel, you've been bit by an eel,
that's a moray

Next Your Sensitivity:
Niontron9: my ignorance paid off

The Soup Nazi?:
PatientOnionSF: it was also theme of the 39th episode of Steinfeld,
when Kramer finds out his p*nis is missing


The Other DoomGrl:
DoomGrl: hi
AngelGardn: hi doom
BinxB91: DoomGrl, Onion needs to be contained. You're the only
one who can help
PatientOnionSF: is this the real DoomGrl or is it DoomGrI?
PatientOnionSF: one is with an L and the other with an I
DoomGrl: it is me
PatientOnionSF: they are two different people
PatientOnionSF: only I can tell them apart
DoomGrl: is there realy someone with an i. I heard about that
PatientOnionSF: the real doom girl is right handed
PatientOnionSF: no, she is very naughty, not prim and proper
Cognomen98: and can teleport!
DoomGrl: really Onion? does she know about me
PatientOnionSF: she comes in here in the AM when you asleep
DoomGrl: do thye come here?
PatientOnionSF: I pretend it's you and talk naughty
PatientOnionSF: yeth
DoomGrl: is she like me?
PatientOnionSF: she talks about all night parties in burger
joints reading horoscopes
DoomGrl: i dont like burger joints
DoomGrl: I can be naughty
PatientOnionSF: yes
PatientOnionSF: doom, you cannot be naughy like the other doom girI

"I drivel tho":
Niontron9: why don't you goggle "shock doctorine book review"
...something should pop up
PatientOnionSF: it's commie drivel
Niontron9: that's why they made google
PatientOnionSF: the stuff klein predicts never comes true
Cognomen98: no, that's why they made book chatrooms, lol
Cognomen98: to discuss the book
Niontron9: no, book chat rooms are for people to lie
Niontron9: or act tough
DoomGrl: i dont act tough
DoomGrl: sometimes I drivel tho

Desperate Housewife:
PatientOnionSF: uh oh, my wife just got home, i have to
pretend i am baking petite fours for her

Hostess Cupcake NOT:
DoomGrl: the democratic convention was here last year. i was
going to be like a hostess but then I didnt
DoomGrl: I got accepted but then i changed my mind
DoomGrl: I wanted Hillary to win

Just Folks:
Jam7604801: evening pros
Prospect26: jam...how grows your garden?
Jam7604801: well pros i have onions
Prospect26: jam...onions are good.
Jam7604801: for the record i'm not married
Prospect26: jam...and I am well also. Thanks for asking.


More Newbie Screening:
PatientOnionSF: come on hannah, now's your chance to shine
hannahxbeex: Oh fine.
Boulshevit: Don't blow this opportunity!
PatientOnionSF: hannah, are you in college?
hannahxbeex: Indeed, I am.
PatientOnionSF: studying something profitable?
hannahxbeex: I'm an English major. Haha.
Boulshevit: Wow! Me two!
Boulshevit: to?
hannahxbeex: too*
Boulshevit: Ah, yes, well played
hannahxbeex: Haha.
PatientOnionSF: just like garrison keilor
PatientOnionSF: hannah, most english majors go on to very lucrative
careers, you made a wise choice
hannahxbeex: I'm fairly content with the decision I made to switch
majors actually.
Boulshevit: And also, they talk good


What Are You Wearing?
Snegurochka Doll: my work cloths
Snegurochka Doll: not so sexy

Kheiron912: i answered you, binx, then deleted


"numerous e-mails":
erstwhile mots: Binx, you sent me numerous e-mails apologizing
and proclaiming my literary superiority. How many did you
receive in return ...

Block That Metaphor:
erstwhile mots: You apologized with all the enthusiasm of a man
licking a woman's cunt



Rememebering Will Hunting:
Boulshevit: Ah, yeah, I haven't seen anything with whatsisnuts in it
since Goodwill Hunting
BinxB91: "it's not your fault"
Boulshevit: "because f*&^ him, that's why"
BinxB91: ???
Boulshevit: Uh..when he chose the wrench to be beaten with, instead
of the belt
BinxB91: oh right
Boulshevit: Yep, good movie
BinxB91: Matt Damon
Boulshevit: Yeah, that's it!
BinxB91: I liked him with Minnie Driver. Cute couple. I see trouble
down the road for them though
BinxB91: "well I got her phone number! How do you like them apples?"
BinxB91: He tells her that he's the youngest of 13 children
BinxB91: Then recites all his sibling's names flawlessly and then
does it again when she pushes him
Boulshevit: Hell, I can't do that with my REAL family


Ambush Questions:
Kheiron912: someone ask me some questions, please
xnorthstarx1: do maggots get drunk when they bury alcoholics?
erstwhile mots: Kheiron. How fucking lame are you?

Bookslut's Day:
erstwhile mots: Anyway, I got eight books in the mail yesterday.

Suck It Up:
Ashratempelebay: anyone ever heard that song by Frank Zappa ?
its called 'Broken Hearts are for Assholes'

Couldn't We Just Cuddle?:
Kheiron912: us Cynics and you Stoics should have a west side story
knife fight dance sequenced tonight


The Book(slut) of Job:
erstwhile mots: Maniac. Since last we spoke, I was hospitalized
for a week for pancreatitis.
erstwhile mots: I'm also engaged to a chatter from Author's Lounge.

"yes but so what":
Alansueton: Snegu were you disgusted with the Russian Hockey
Team's effort in the Olympics?
Snegurochka Doll: yes alan
Snegurochka Doll: the coatch he is fired now
Alansueton: Snegurochka even Putin came out against them
Snegurochka Doll: yes but so what

Right Next to the Economist at B&N:
DGBALTIMORE: Did anyone catch the latest MAD magazine cover

Masochist:
xnorthstarx1: the shit im reading is boring now


BookSlut Goes Rono on Snegurochka Doll!:

erstwhile mots: Doll. I was born in Lodz province, Poland.
I highly doubt you were born in Russia. Wanna know why?
Because my grandmother was born in the land Konwicki
describes as "between Russia and Poland" and your sentence
structure is not
erstwhile mots: synonymous with native Russian speakers.
Snegurochka Doll: you dont know what you are talk about

erstwhile mots: I have been to many Eastern, Central, and Southern
European nations. And Western Europe. I know how to speak several
European languages and I don't bullshit, Doll.

erstwhile mots: Hahahahaha, Doll.
erstwhile mots: You lying cunt.
erstwhile mots: Pazdravlyayu!


No, Saturdays are normal:
Tom Brite: often early in the evening on friday nights before we
go out i feel slightly homosexual and wonder if its normal


[How does anyone ever let go of anything? My book was a long glove
clasping the dark shape I had loved. Inside the glove was one very
pale young hand that had never learned to grip skin. It was so
raw it looked wet. I fell into the eyes of everyone I passed on
the street. Food seemed impossible. Children thought I was a
child and tried to play with me, but I could neither play nor
work, I could only wonder why. Why do people live at all. I read
every single ad in the classifieds section each week. Real Estate,
Employment, Counseling, Home Sevices, Getaways, Musicians Market,
Dating, Women and Men Seeking Each Other and Themselves, Chance
Meetings, and Automotive. I had narrowed it down to either Power
trio seeks excellent 2nd guitar for heavy rock or Angela Mitchell
LCSW, therapy supporting the integration of body, mind, and spirit,
and world. I settled on Angela Mitchell because the power trio
wanted an experienced gigger, and I didn't know what that was. But
as I rose in the elevator towards Angela's office, I whispered the
words "experienced gigger" to myself, and they calmed me.]


Hot Scenes:
Kheiron912: see the white ribbon if only to being sexually
aroused when the little boy with down's sydrome gets his eyes
nearly blinded

What He Hears:
PatientOnionSF: i like the music my microwave makes when i bake
a potato too long, it sounds like a serbian gregorian chant by
Puklovsky

The Continuing Adventures of Dixie:
DoomGrl: My freind Dixie bought a Sugar Glider
DoomGrl: its part kangaroo and part flying squirrel

Denied:
DoomGrl: I wanted to be Amy Blue but they wouldnt let me be



Beysshoes Chat/Onion Rap:
PatientOnionSF: binky, your babydoll was all messed up last night
BinxB91: my babydoll? BookSlut?
PatientOnionSF: bey
BinxB91: bey? How was she messed up?
PatientOnionSF: she was all depressed and drinking about
sandra bullock and tiger woods
BinxB91: Beysshoes drinks?
PatientOnionSF: mindless celebrity worship
PatientOnionSF: she watches too much cable
PatientOnionSF: why else would she fret about movie stars and
golfers gone bad?
Raphael11110: Patient wow I wouldn't drink if an entire country
was swallowed by some earthquake
PatientOnionSF: Raphy, you are not some bikini model in Hawaii
with self-realization problems
PatientOnionSF: she keeps joining and quitting cults too:
PatientOnionSF: moonies, scientology, Catholicism, TM
BinxB91: I have several pictures of beysshoes, none of them are
bathing suit shots
BinxB91: or nudes
PatientOnionSF: binky can't help her get centered
PatientOnionSF: so her mind roams
PatientOnionSF: and her mouth foams
BinxB91: Onion raps!


Not around your neck?:
Prospect26: I hope everyone had a great st. patrick's day.
I wore my green beeds on the slopes.