HEY!!! Many of the Shelfers believed missing have
since made appearances!!
Beysshoes wrote this past week to say:
"I have Nora in an IM box" Given Beys' past,
I was expecting the next line to be a ransom
demand.
Bookslut has a new screen name with only an
oblique rference to sex. Good to see all
that literature has had an effect on her.
Godwit has new screen name but I can't remember
what it is.
Good to see that neither Onion nor David have
modified their screen names recently. Perhaps
budget cuts have reached the witness protection
program.
Someone claimed to have spotted CreepyLoner under
a new screen name. Like UFO sightings though, the
sighting was somewhat dubious.

Onion's Band:
Catpower777: does anyone in here have a yamaha keyboard?
PatientOnionSF: i have a dell keyboard i use for my band,
THE TYPISTS
PatientOnionSF: office waiting room muzak

Quest:
Greeneyecat10: i come here like al the time just to see if
this persom i met is here

"thought she was moisturizing":
Roojerz: The coolest ppl hang out in book shelf, to be sure
PatientOnionSF: roger, then why are you here? we are famous
authors, you are not
Roojerz: oh, someone was talking about that earlier, i thought
she was moisturizing

The Price of Fun:
Kgbirdpaul: I had fun for 5 days, then I spent 3 days in bed

Go Gentile Through the Night:
BobsurAuntTom: NonYids learn how to at least immitate a Jew
when they're in New York.

Catching the Prospect Disease:
Niontron9: I was just checking, if you guys were awake and
noticed that I said hello to a person
Niontron9: who was not here


Why Julie Avoids Office Romances:
oooolijay: it's 9:30 on sunday night. what a sad time
SteveIzHere8: you're sad?
oooolijay: i have to work in the morning
SteveIzHere8: start having sex with upper management
SteveIzHere8: and your job will become easy and fun
oooolijay: upper management is an old guy on a scooter and his
two crazy daughters

[It was sundown in Ohio and Sister Anne Aurora was doing a
special walk around her prayer circle. She didn't do it
everyday. Just when the spirit moved her. She would try to
recite the names of all the people she was praying for in
one very slow revolution, then say them one at a time for
twelve revolutions apiece. Frederick Sydney Harwood of
Berkely, California, I send you my energy and my love, I send
you stength and wisdom. In the midst of your fear I know joy
can grow and flourish. Joy can rise up from fear and overcome
it. Joy is in every atom of creation. It is life. It is
wisdom. Let it in. It wants to be with you. Strength
guards you. Strength heals you. You are not alone. You
are going to make it.
I might start writing down some of my prayers, Sister Anne
decided, stopping at the top of a prayer circle to look down
at the row of crosses, then up into the beautiful skies of
subdown. Some of them are pretty good.]


What Are You Wearing?
Roojerz: a band aid

Evie and the Boys:
KissMyAsterix: Evie!
BlackHeartedCur: Oh look the hot lesbian is back
Sleepy Eyed Evie: thanks?
BlackHeartedCur: AlanSueton put me up to that


BookSlut and the Boys:
tired faucet: My current project? To reduce writing to a seaman's
language. Short, without any unnecessary phrase.
mourning bread: tired faucet is doing what Hemingway perfected.
Speechless2009: you know all about the language of seaman, huh tired?
tired faucet: Laughing, Speechless.
tired faucet: You fuck


Gina Being Discreet:
KissMyAsterix: I met optimus prime today
KissMyAsterix: at bigboy
Forkrerereredux: really?
KissMyAsterix: yes
Forkrerereredux: that makes fork jealous
princessslayah42: wow, was he sexy miss asterix?
KissMyAsterix: sorry, he was quite nice
Roojerz: bigboy is what they call the buxom singles chat
KissMyAsterix: not as sexy as wolverine
Forkrerereredux: did you make out?
KissMyAsterix: no he was surrounded by kids
KissMyAsterix: passing out balloons
KissMyAsterix: but if it's any consolation, he was shorter
than I expected
zomcom81: making out would have been inappropriate
KissMyAsterix: especially near the salad bar zom


Reason to Go On Living:
Tom Brite: larry king is having a jonas brothers special

Sign of the Apocalypse:
Bidet Luv: i have busted out laughing several times, and
i never do that

Unclear on the Concept:
GelasiusIII: so... the whole "Book Shelf" thing, that's just never
acknowleged? lol

In the Nile:
KimberlysCabin09: ha ha im not a bot


Extemes Meet:
JLBorges912: i was drunk and/or high every day in high school
SteveIzHere8: now look at you
SteveIzHere8: you're in a chat room
princessslayah42: i tripped on acid at my prom
JLBorges912: everyone is shocked i am still alive
Alansueton: Jose I know I am
JLBorges912: much less have a hot wife and a cool car, etc.
Madam Mimi: Now look at you.......you're here with me who Never
smoked or drank.....AND graduated yr and a half before my class


[That night Mitzi Ozburt dressed in her most conservative navy
blue pleated skirt and a blue cashmere sweater with a white
collar and cuffs. She looked like a Catholic schoolgirl when
Donovan came to pick her up. She had intended to show him what
a good girl she was, but of course the sexiest thing in the world
to a Catholic man is a woman dressed in something that looks like
a school uniform. If her slip had been showing a little bit or
she had worn saddle oxfords, it might have taken less than an
hour for them to get into Mitzi's cherry four-poster bed, but
as it was they had a glass of wine and talked about feeling
guilty for a while before they made love, and vowed devotion,
and said will you marry me, and this is crazy, no it's not,
you're right, it's not, and do you want some babies, I do,
I do too.
"God forgives everything and we are not sinners," Mitzi said.
"Those old guys who want to keep people from being happy are
the sinners."
"We will live lives that are good," he said.
"And live right now," she answered. "My client, Sui Wong, is
a physicist and she says living in the present is the most
spiritual and Zen thing anyone can do. It teaches other
people to do the same, and if you can teach that to suicide
bombers they wouldn't blow themseves up."
"Amen to that."
"I am really hungry," Mitzi said. "I'd like to go somewhere
and get something to eat, and I mean fast. I haven't eaten
in days, it seems like. Could we go to a fast-food place and
get something if you don't mind?"
"We can do whatever you want."
"Come on. Get dressed. I'll show the real me."
On their way out of the house, Mitzi stopped and picked up a
handful of crackers and ate them on the way to the car.
Fifteen minutes later they were at Arby's Drive-Thru window
collecting roast beef sandwiches and Jamocha milkshakes.
They sat in the car and ate their dinners, and Donovan decided
it was like coming back from a trip to Antarctica and finding
himself in heaven instead.]



Which One of these 5 people is an imposter?:

Tom Brite: i like to watch masturbation but i feel guilty
Bidet Luv: people cannot believe i was and am a good girl
princessslayah42: i want a leg gun
JLBorges912: i like shaving my genitals
Madam Mimi: Do you guys watch Rachel Ray?


David Finds His Limits:
Alansueton: Typographically I can't do accents or the
little housetops

BabyBoomers vs Xers:
AmberDevilRay8: Long live the great baby boomers.
AmberDevilRay8: FOr giving us Vietnam and disco.
FoodSIut2: that's right i forgot 911 and hannah montana are so
much better
FoodSIut2: i am jealous
AmberDevilRay8: Don't look at me!


David Unleashed:
BinxB91: Life, name a favorite book of late
HisUnwantedLife: Jude the Obscure
Tj34: pretty good, life
Alansueton: Teej Ive had a craze for reading Plutarch lately
I started with his Moralia(Moral Essays) and now Im on to his
Lives
Alansueton: great stuff great revisit!
Tj34: i read him way long ago alan
Alansueton: Plutarch rocks
Tj34: yes, and you can't skim with him
Alansueton: seriously the fucker is like Filet Mignon steak
cooked perfctly


David's Jail House Rumination:
Alansueton: I was in jail once and the guy in the bunk next to me
(overcrowded I was on a mat on the floor) was reading the Modern
Library edition of Flaubert's "Madame Bovary"
Alansueton: it made the jail disappear we talked about Charles
Bovary and the first time he meets Emma sets her father's broken
leg
Alansueton: the scene painting it was cool


Pickled:
Niontron9: I am in a dillemma


We'll Have Intelligent Chat Later:

LadyQuasi: All that talk made me hungry.

EmpressZ21: my nieghbor called and i threw out my frozen
snickers bar dammit

LadyQuasi: My dog thinks he's a goat.

EmpressZ21: my dog ate my chair

EmpressZ21: colbert's shaved head makes his ear more sticky outty

Kan wa ma kan: can i tell y'all how excited i am about the new
smiley face bags



Anti-Immigrant:
oooolijay: i hate when al is full

New Discovery:
Kgbirdpaul: the bible has some nice prose poetry


The Anti-Panty:
CordialCactus: purchased! successful swim suit shopping
CordialCactus: and shorts and shirts and sunglasses and bras
CordialCactus: first time ive shopped just for me in FOREVER
NoraMcKee525: are you expecting the pool boy?
CordialCactus: tankinis
SteveIzHere8: I need you.
Beysshoes: cute candy
CordialCactus: almost a one piece but not
NoraMcKee525: tankinis are so CUTE
CordialCactus: its fun to say, too
CordialCactus: tankini

oooolijay absent, Gleam gets his pundit on:
Gleam1946: Dems spend money to investigate the most obscure
iterations of behaviour. It's a sickness

Super Hero:
CordialCactus: omgosh.. i rescued my neighbors cat from the
leash law police

But everything you say sounds weird:
Niontron9: as weird as it sounds, einstein is the one who made
the atomic bomb


Friday Night Fights:
LadyQuasi: Both cats ran off...there is some blood and hair on
the deck.
LadyQuasi: Hubby is cleaning up the mess.
CordialCactus: ladyQ .. big yikes


They're Out There:
Gleam1946: Emmeit Till should have not insulted a white chick

Solipism
Gleam1946: If we cant see it is not real

Gleam's Fellow Traveller:
Speechless2009: you know the french are notorious for being
cowardly homosexuals?


"please do not post me""
NOTNycgirl: its not anethma its anathema
BinxB91: oh oh, NYCgirl is back!!!
NOTNycgirl: no
NOTNycgirl: please binx do not post me
I2DaysInNovember: national anthema

Yes, it's "y":
Katie Ann 010101: upgrading spell-checker

Flip Side of Billie Jean:
Gleam1946: Listen to some M.J. Lyrics and you will learn gems
like "JEW-SUE"

New Sandwich From Sonic:
I2DaysInNovember: I had a huge epiphany today it was awesome

Liberal Bias Joke:
I2DaysInNovember: quick someone say something really stupid
NoraMcKee525: fox news

Why Her Therapist Nods Off:
princessslayah42: i had a dream about apple jacks

Truth in Sales:
I2DaysInNovember: there were two kids that rang our doorbell
earlier this evening. they were selling candybars for a dollar
each. Marie and I bought five
I2DaysInNovember: as we were picking them out they said that
we should put them in the freezer becasue they had melted


What a Fool Believes:
BinxB91: Elizabeth Taylor must have thought she had to marry man
in order to have sex with him
oooolijay: i'm glad i never believed that

Theories on Absent Shelfers

CreepyLoner - has become a TA for her Milton professor
(TA means teaching assistant)

CordialCactus - has a summer job driving a Good Humor truck

Beysshoes - detained in Japan after she lost her passport

NoraMcKee - named interim principal of her school, trying
to figure ways to stop co-workers giggling during staff
meetings

Godwit - stalking Terri Gross

Bidet - taking a Dale Carnegie course

Ta21 - switched to days

IsSheWeird55(Hillary) - became less weird

Anais - never mix banana bread and margaritas

Sleepyeyed Evie - out in the desert

oooolijay - had a ... (oops she's back)



What a Concept!:
Asia7384: this core group could make the Book Shelf cool
again. For a small fee I could compile cool things you
guys say and distribute them across the web as a sort of
chat pheremone

No Strings:
PrincessSlayah42: wearing a bean bikini

Steve Alone:
SteveIzHere8: I miss the fat mexican girl who used to be
friendly with me at the taco bell drive thru in Seattle.
SteveIzHere8: she made good quesadillas with chicken
or steak

That Fold-outs Can Be Held Up With One Hand:
Niontron9: took me three months to figure out one simple thing

Innovative Picking:
Niontron9: i think it is easier for my mouth to reach the
fruits when it is upside down...don't have waste time tearing
it from the plants

Princess through the Looking Glass:
KD81785: Princess, what is your favorite book?
PrincessSlayah42: the SAS survival handbook
KD81785: What is SAS?
PrincessSlayah42: special air service
KD81785: England has an air force?
PrincessSlayah42: it's england's equivalent of the Special Services
style10star: oh James Bond
PrincessSlayah42: special forces
KD81785: They changed the letters after James Bond spilled the beans
PrincessSlayah42: i am wearing a bikini made from beans

Declaration:
style10star: I hate brussel sprouts.
PrincessSlayah42: I like Binx

[ ... he met another girl. This time he determined that Cait would
never know, and the new girl would never see Cait. But this new
girl, a gypsy dressed as a real estate agent, alarmingly intuitive
and proud of it, just kept guessing correctly. She was drawn to the
gaps in his stories like cigarette smoke sliding between the fibers
of his gig shirts, and as soon as her glance caressed a weak joint,
his life cracked and tender secrets spilled out. "My man is a mean
man," she purred when she left him for the last time.]

Maria Muldaur Uncovered:
style10star: send your camels to bed
style10star: midnight at the oasis
style10star: that was a great song
Tom Brite: that never made sense

Onion Getting Binx's Goats:
BinxB91: Onion's counselor is trying to find him a job but so far
he can't help annoying his way out of every interview
oooolijay: i would hire onion
BinxB91: hire Onion? as what?
FSCETT: binky, what if she never comes back, what will you do?
BinxB91: find someone else
FSCETT: cook/pitbull security
EmpressZ21: who is she
BinxB91: security against pit bulls?
FSCETT: oui
BinxB91: probably Beysshoes
FSCETT: she's a pit bull?
oooolijay: beysshoes as what?
oooolijay: pitbull or security
oooolijay: or both
FSCETT: cuisine
BinxB91: as the woman who is away
FSCETT: she has a dark miso taste
oooolijay: asian fusion
oooolijay: you're going to hire her as the woman who is away

What Would Make you Gay:
FSCETT: now binky is gay
BinxB91: how could I be gay?
oooolijay: you could have anal sex
oooolijay: that could be pretty gay

Julie Getting Close:
oooolijay: i saw a guy with a man camel toe at the beach once
oooolijay: i tried to get a picture, but couldn't get close enough

Julie Fan Letter:
oooolijay: i'm good, and just waiting for everyone to show up
oooolijay: this room died
Alansueton: Oooli!
Godofodd2: yes, the book shelf is less than a shadow of its robust self
Alansueton: the CD I sent was botched my assistant sent out a new
one yesterday
oooolijay: i got the message
oooolijay: believe it or not i listened to my messages
Alansueton: I only sent 200 messages
Alansueton: just 200
oooolijay: well, i got one
Godofodd2: someone has a crush on someone
Alansueton: God not really I missed Oooli she's da bomb
the shelf and AOL sucks without her

Share Your Joke:
Grisfelt: raptor jesus is come
oooolijay: that's funnier to me than you know gris

Alan Fan Letter:
Alansueton: eh I got range and I love it when people kiss my ass
oooolijay: don't look at me

[He knew some of the dogs by name now, the owners personalities
as well. This evening a young woman who had for some days been
looking miserable complained bitterly that other dogs were taking
her pit bull's squeaky crocodile toy, and when other owners
laughed at her gripe, she sat down and burst into tears. Julian
comforted her, introduced himself, scratched the timid pit under
its chin, fetched its toy for her. "It'll be okay," he said,
probably the right thing to say no matter what was troubling her.]


Same Ole Bidet Entrance:
Bidet Luv: stfu, binx
Bidet Luv: i'm tired of your shit



Apropos of Something:

Grisfelt: I love trees

Alansueton: I am not a huge fan of Jose Luis Borges

oooolijay: i dont like this ad with the talking bikini

oooolijay: i hate motorola

oooolijay: i need to get extensions

Kan wa ma kan: did anyone here ever inhale saltwater taffy

Godofodd2: I got a big vein sticking out of the back of my hand,
I never noticed it before


Say "you're full of ****"
EDruezillaB: what do you say to an ex telling you how wonderful
you are and amazing you are but they aren't going to DO anything
about it

Edie Explained:
EDruezillaB: i need sex.
EDruezillaB: GOOD sex
EDruezillaB: really really dirty sex
EDruezillaB: with someone i love
EDruezillaB: really really really love
JLBorges912: sounds awful

Melo, see above:
Melodramamama22: i tried the responsible adult route and it sucks

Monk's Best Line:
JLBorges912: but i say, 'do you freckle in the summer?'
JLBorges912: and if they do, they are affected deeply by me having
asked that
JLBorges912: and want to fuck me

Said I was full of s***:
EDruezillaB: binx knows how caustic and blunt i can be



Cottage Industry:
PrincessSlayah42: i make my own t-shirts
PrincessSlayah42: they have funny sayings
PrincessSlayah42: my favorite says "talk nerdy to me"

Sure There's Room?:
EmpressZ21: i have to stay past 10 ciz melo is gonna tattoo my
name on her ass if i do

Monk on the Way to Fatherhood:
BinxB91: Monk, how is your wife?
JLBorges912: she's eating way too much fucking pizza
JLBorges912: she's starting to blow up
JLBorges912: other than that, fine, due in september
AngelGardn: JL tell her not to eat the crust
JLBorges912: she starts with the crust, and leaves that last
triangular bite on the plate
JLBorges912: she's a freak
EmpressZ21: oh wow she leaves the best bite?
JLBorges912: empo, i made that up, no one would do that
EmpressZ21: okay phew

Monk Surprised, Steve Hungry:
JLBorges912: but between the baby and the placenta being delivered,
i should have been warned about the gushing torrent of viscous
blood spewing from my wife's gaping vagina
AngelGardn: i want some fried chicken
JLBorges912: that part no one told me about
JLBorges912: i thought she was hemorrhaging or something
AngelGardn: i must be real hungry; i still want some fried chicken

Call Me:
Asia7384: ooool, could I refer to you as 4o to simplify things?
oooolijay: i suppose
oooolijay: but i might not answer

Black Belt Critics:
Asia7384: rumor has it David Carradine was beaten to death by
chinese martial arts secret society film critics


Who Do They Think They Are?:
Niontron9: columnists don't do anything...they just bad mouth
others...it is not fair...

Be Strong Bob:
BobsurAuntTom: It does get tough to read the scroll and not see
a large number of people being complete assholes.

Lisztmania:
Alansueton: Franz Liszt was the Beatles of his age

Prefers Higher Forms of Prostitution:
Alansueton: Ive been published anonymously in various publications
and have 3 books published of poetry and short stories I refuse
to accept money for my writing it would be the lowest form of
prostitution

David Brings That Out in People:
Melodramamama22: that's the word i wanted. disparage.

I am from New Hampshire therefore:
Prospect26: Any Jodi Picoult readers out ther?
Prospect26: there?
BinxB91: Picoultists?
BinxB91: a Picoultist - One who belongs to the cult of Jodi Picoult
MattNashVegas: as opposed to an Anncoultist ha
Prospect26: Bixn...I read Jodi. I am from New Hampshire.


.. and pretending I wrote them:
Prospect26: My Sister's Keeper is coming out shortly in the
movies... I was just entering many passages from the book into
my author's journal.


Binx Saves Jam:
Prospect26: Jam come clean. Are you ladymtnmedic?
Prospect26: I am blown away that all these years I thought I was
talking to ladymtnmedic and it was jam....whoever. Scam
Prospect26: And Lady Mountain Medic for all the grief you gave me
about my daughter? Shame on you.
Prospect26: Fork, Jam, Lady, etc, you obviously get off e-mailing
people under one name and then being someone else.
BobsurAuntTom: There's a whole lotta mindfucking going on.
Prospect26: Jam...so what do you have to say for yourself?
BinxB91: Prospect, Jam is Jam. He's never pretended to be
someone else. Someone is pulling your leg.
Prospect26: Who are you?
Jam7604801: thanks binx
FSCETT: This just in, binky rescues Jam, details at 11


Was Too Medicated to Remember for Sure:
KissMyAsterix: I'm pretty sure aol is free in asylums.


Next Time - the Line Goes in the Water:
Niontron9: I want to take my fishing to the next level

Martha Stewart Living:
PrincessSlayah42: learning how to blow stuff up with ordinary
household products

Socrates Reincarnated:
Prospect26: My #1 book of all time will never be yours. But does
that make one of us better than the other? No, because we both
read.

Christina Aquiliera Never Intended:
Niontron9: I am a genie in a bottle...you gotta rub me the right way


Soup Nazi Fans:
BobsurAuntTom: I think my favorite thing about Seinfeld(that Jew)
is seeing his cordless phone with the really huge antenna.
oooolijay: the way he always pushes the antenna back down
forcefully when he's through with the call
oooolijay: so final


Ask CreepyLoner:
Niontron9: I just not the paranoid kind


We Love You Already:
CLITERATE: Hello
oooolijay: wow, i wish i'd thought of that name
Kan wa ma kan: hiya c literate
Alansueton: CLITERATE! great name!
CLITERATE: It is?
Alansueton: yes
CLITERATE: I had no idea
PrincessSlayah42: wait, someone said that earlier!
PrincessSlayah42: who is cliterate?
BobsurAuntTom: You could always go with IllCliterate... guess.
CLITERATE: brb, I am in the middle of something

Gunther Grass and Godwit - Always Unannounced:
Asia7384: I recall the surprise visit of Gunther Grass in here.
Always recruiting for the Hitler youth


DoomGrl Meets Anne Rice
DoomGrl: when i met anne rice at a book signing she asked me what
was my favorite and i said and she said it was her favorite and it
made me feel so good. I know what you mean BOb
BinxB91: I bet Anne Rice says that to all the girls
BobsurAuntTom: Ann Rice too became converted.
DoomGrl: she signed 3 books for me. i brought a whole shopping
bag full, but then wouldnt let me take them up, but she said it
was fine
DoomGrl: she was willing to sign them all, but i got embarased
FSCETT: embarassed of what?
DoomGrl: her handlers only wanted you to take 2 books
DoomGrl: so i caused a scene, kind of
DoomGrl: cause i had about 20
DoomGrl: yes,it was mobbed
BobsurAuntTom: You caused a scene?
DoomGrl: i guess i cried some