How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

I wish I could do like Lenny Bruce once
did and turn the stage lights on the audience
and find out who actually is catching my act.
But maybe that isn't such a good idea since
Lenny discovered some uniformed cops waiting
for him to go too far. Besides, I am
not even a performer. I just cut-and-paste
chat snippets together and --- according to
Emma and Beysshoes --- I don't edit enough.
Oh well. What the hell. At least I did get
a few non-chat e-mails this past week, some
of which I print below:

1. "This Leslie Hapflap seems to be
dominating the room lately. I think the column
has been drawing more people in. It's interesting
what a bit o' fuss will attract." --- yes, fuss is
good. Maybe Joe Biden can hire you to create
some for his campaign

2. "I have to wonder if it isn’t simply time
to let the gossip column go." --- OK, thanks for
your input. But if this is what you wonder about,
you need to find a hobby

3. "Your column is both witty and wise. It's
the one blog on Boodshelf worthy of an award"
--- I made that one up.



Someone else contacted me to ask me why I had
been mean of late. I was surprised to hear myself
described as mean. But there was the evidence
right there. Once again, I had been reckless ...
and the snippet in question was stupid anyway
(sigh).
Yesterday, I received the meanest snippet ever.
But with my meanness radar sharpened, I quickly
deleted that clip (that makes 3 rejections this year).
Thanks, Chris.



Bosom Buddies:

ParaMyrrh: I smell BACON!
ShhJm: Kal!
ParaMyrrh: hey Blt


Milk and Cookies:

I2DaysInNovember: I watched the Titanic on a
HUGE movie screen and was in the front row and
eating chocolate chip cookies. Kate's breast
was about 20 feet across
I2DaysInNovember: I had a sudden and
uncontrollable urge for milk


He's still BLT:

ShhJm: I am in a contest for making OB epidurals,
the fastest person gets a week off with pay



Shelf Love:

ParaMyrrh: hey I love BLT as a male friend like my
lunatic Police Partner a la Lethal Weapon
ShhJm: kal, I love you like mel gibson loves danny glover
Jhd730: Blt...Kal would lift you off a toilet and jump in
a tub with your bare assness to save you from a bomb


Growing older:

Beautyisfreedom: in 18
Beautyisfreedom: i'll be 19 in sep
Jhd730: 22 here Beauty
ShhJm: beauty, I am 74, want to get together?
Beautyisfreedom: i can't wait to hit 22 and i hope
i stay there lol
Jhd730: you will if you drink hard and die fast



What if she wants fries?:
Beautyisfreedom: women who tend to read a lot of
romance have a hard time finding what they want


Huh?:

BooksIut: Like X.J. Kennedy's "Nude Descending a
Staircase," I slink to the tangents of the room
will a "constant thresh of thigh on thigh."



Nothing Against Clit Lickers:

Gypsyjo47: Jhd I have nothing against clit lickers
in general but I don't like fat ugly people who
are also stupid
Jhd730: sshhh your wife might hear


OK, Good to Know:

BooksIut: Pound's Japanese paper napkin fingered
lady's last name was Shakespear.


KaL's Favorites:

ParaMyrrh: Bookslut "The Good Soldier Svejk"--Jaroslav Hasek
"Pickwick Papers"---Charles Dickens "Don Juan"---Lord Byron
"L'Education Sentimental"--Gustave Flaubert



A Nice Story in Harper's:

LeslieHapablap: i read a nice short story in harper's.
by nicole krauss.
LeslieHapablap: i like that nicole krauss a lot.
Tylatoya: Tell us precisely what you liked
LeslieHapablap: her syntax.
Tylatoya: Duh
Tylatoya: I hate to sound well.....about four but you
did put it out there
Tylatoya: Give us a clue
BinxB91: Go on, Leslie, answer her
PatientOnion3: Fetch it Leslie
Tylatoya: Binx makes me think of bunnies
LeslieHapablap: what question?


"do you want your computer hacked?":

ShhJm: langston hughes used little pieces of alliteration
like referring to the winter cold of his unheated shack as
"blue black cold" that one analogy made me fall in love
with literature
TomRiddle12: ShhJm...in modern Literature...it is considered
unwise to use mulitple adjectives
ShhJm: tom, so who writes the laws of writing?
PatientOnion3: how dare you criticize blt, do you want
your computer hacked?
TomRiddle12: For every adjective other than the most important
...it decreases the value by more than half
TomRiddle12: When I say Modern, I mean contemporary...in
Modernist work...adjectives were okay
TomRiddle12: Shh--- just about every book on writing Ive
read...ONLY ONE ADJECTIVE, haha
ShhJm: tom, I used to read only classics, then I realized that
I got the same effect from dean koontz and tom clancy as I
did from tolstoy and dostoyevsky



Bitter Ending:

ShhJm: I learned russian to read Anna Karenina in russian,
and the only time I ever actually spoke russian was to
negotiate the sale of a sled at a garage sale for some
russian woman
PatientOnion3: a regular sled or a magic sled?


BS is what you lack:

TomRiddle12: ShhJm...as a writer develops...he picks
up different things from each mentor. And ignores some
of the stuff you consider BS...I really consider it
to be valid
ShhJm: tom, what you consider bs, might be what you
will lack



Fezz and Binx - Neighbors in Onion's Brain:

PatientOnion3: fezzzzzzzzzzz, that's the one, i get fez
and binx mixed up
PatientOnion3: cuz they both live in chicago in my
stupid brain



"you guys have interesting conversations":

Poet4Theband: hi
BinxB91: Poet, never get up on stage with a tambourine?
ShhJm: poet, I was listening to the counting crows today
and I felt like it was too much poetry for music
ShhJm: like jim morrison on a sunday
BinxB91: or Jim Morrison eating a Sundae
ShhJm: im covered in fish blood and I fell off my boat too
ShhJm: he means that the rest of the poem depends on each word
ShhJm: its like an epiphany of cadence
ShhJm: its not about the poem
ShhJm: but thinking
ShhJm: WCW was a physician and the son of a physician
BinxB91: Poet in search of a mentor?
ShhJm: like lewis thomas
ShhJm: I have to pee, brb
Poet4Theband: you guys have interesting conversations to
say the least
ShhJm: Poet, can you give me your take on
WCW "The Red Wheelbarrow"?
ShhJm: is it just a contrast in colors, or do the
chickens mean something?
Poet4Theband: sorry but I don't care for poem that are
very simplistic
Forkrereredux: you're too good for a simplistic poem?
ShhJm: poet, how is that simplistic?
ShhJm: "so much depends. upon a red wheelbarrow, glazed
with rainwater, beside the white chickens
ShhJm: look at the cadence
Poet4Theband: the thing is I do love poetry but.......
i'm not very perceptive on hidden meanings in those
type of poems. Too stupid i guess
ShhJm: let me explain
Forkrereredux: mr. fork knows that poem
ShhJm: when he says, "so much depends"




The Next Talk Radio Host:

PatientOnion3: with paris in jail ZERO americans have
been killed in Iraq
PatientOnion3: keep paris in jail!
PatientOnion3: support the troops


"im like a little kid":

Vanda52: turns out my ex had a sex change operation
before i knew "her" and never told me, i pointed out
her "thing" looked homemade and "she" broke down and
admitted it
JaneH56: allan, you are such a liar.
LynBelle: allan, stop
Vanda52: before we married
LynBelle: take it back
Vanda52: im like a little kid , im amuzing myself
Phronsie: I have heard that chicks with dicks feel
that they provide a little extra


Angelina Jolie:

Phronsie: Angelina Jolie's pic was on the cover of
our Sunday supplement mag today. Inspirations figure
article
Phronsie: I almost barfed
ParaMyrrh: Phronsie she does so much humanitarian work
she should be celebrated
JaneH56: phrons, the enquirer did a thing on her last week.
she is skinny as a rail.
LynBelle: phrons, you don't like Angelina?
Phronsie: Jane, she is
ParaMyrrh: she does need to eat some sandwiches
ParaMyrrh: Phronsie YOU pity Her? hahah
JaneH56: she has a very beautiful face, but all those tatts.
Phronsie: she's getting good press
Phronsie: the lips are awful
ParaMyrrh: Angelina's lips are real
BinxB91: She goes to the Sudan ... not clubs
LynBelle: but those are her real lips, not fake
Phronsie: they always remind me of the anuses on those
typewriters in'''
BinxB91: Jon Voight had great lips too
Phronsie: in Naked Lunch
ParaMyrrh: believe me I know Ive kissed her
JaneH56: remember when she and her brother were kissing at
an awards show.
Phronsie: they're still gross
BinxB91: Midnight Cowboy. The Mad magazine satire
of that movie never stopped about his pouty lips.
BinxB91: Now almost 40 years later here we are talking
about his daughter's lips



Para vs Phronsie, Round 37:

ParaMyrrh: Phronsie everything displeases you
Phronsie: no. Para
ParaMyrrh: If you jump up and down you won't get pregnant
Phronsie: but I am quite certain about what displeases me
JaneH56: ha kal.
ParaMyrrh: Phronsie what pleases you?
Phronsie: lots of things
Phronsie: Not you, of course
ParaMyrrh: see Phronsie can't name one thing
Phronsie: I like flowers
Phronsie: I like leaves
Forkrereredux: fork likes flowers too
Phronsie: I can get irate about kudzu


KaL knows Cumby's:

LynBelle: I brought home a leaf from one of the gardens
in Savannah, Savannah is unbelievably beautiful
Sweetywittykitty: damn...i've never been to savannah myself
JaneH56: it is lyn. prettiest city in ga by far.
LynBelle: did you see the Mercer house?
ParaMyrrh: Savannah smells like a cumberland farms restroom
with a clogged toilet
JaneH56: lyn, I love those old houses.
Phronsie: Para you are an expert on cumberland farms with
clogged toilets?


Jo-Ann Says:

Jhd730: the bookshelf is having a mini comeback i would say