AOL HEADLINE GUY - Because "I'm just tired and
bored with myself", I asked AOL for some help
with the captions this time. They sent over some
technical assistance --- the guy who writes all
the headline/teasers for AOL news. See if you
can spot his captions below.


Bartender Finds Unpleasant Surprise in Coat Pocket:

MyndlessChat: I did black girl in our coat room when I
was NC and the manager lady had no idea
MyndlessChat: somehow the bartender ho found out...



Pudding, Jello, and Headlights --- You Won't
Believe What Women Call Their Breasts:

Sleepy Eyed Evie: why does the male equipment require
constant adjustment?
Sleepy Eyed Evie: thats what I'd like to know
Sleepy Eyed Evie: or do they just do it for fun
CordialCactus: its like a bra
Sleepy Eyed Evie: but my bra isnt part of my body
Sleepy Eyed Evie: i dont like bras
CordialCactus: lol.. they keep wanting to head to the equator
CordialCactus: point north babies! north i say!
EmpressZ21: haha
ThePaIeRlDER: rofl.rain forest candice?
Melodramamama22: heehee
Melodramamama22: i like that whole put the bra on, lean
forward, and jiggle them into optimal position
CordialCactus: i dont do that
Sleepy Eyed Evie: melissa you have to have enough to jiggle for
that to work
Melodramamama22: i thought everybody did that!
EmpressZ21: one must do a nip check when wearing a tight shirt
Melodramamama22: you will, one day, when they're the consistency
of pudding instead of jello
Sleepy Eyed Evie: yeah when it gets cold
Sleepy Eyed Evie: your headlights come on


Tacky Is As Tacky Does:

Searchchin: nodda sellers market
Beysshoes: its a buyers market.
Beysshoes: anyway i see in terms of time not money
Beysshoes: times a'wastin' chop chop
FoodSIut: binky has some room, he just kicked his girlfriend out
Beysshoes: homer binkys cheating on me IRL was one thing. but
i think he's cheating on me ONLINE!!!
Beysshoes: dats just tacky


As Fun as a Box of Hair:

Beysshoes: my gay bf tommy is moving to RI homer...is what
jump started me
Beysshoes: mebbe i'll move next door to you homer. you can
cook for me yes?
Beysshoes: i'll buy a brownstone...you and maui can live on
one floor.
Searchchin: playbuthole
Beysshoes: shut up and get out please nochin
Beysshoes: you're about as fun as a box of hair nochin


New Ways to Save on Movies:
Jam7604801: Creepo you might like Hancock with Will Smith
Hes a drunk super hero starting out
Creepy Loner: I'll pass, Jam.
Creepy Loner: Or just look in a mirror.

Rono's Pick-Up Lines:
Ridoy Vogn0: Where should I go to find you..I only see sufferings
with you...just wait maybe our love will be easy thru some miracle
Beysshoes: does the miracle mean 6 packs of viagra?
Ridoy Vogn0: you want to come to me because you want to hurt me...
Beysshoes: well, here's the thing rono...i'm too lazy to look for
you. solly

Denial Is Exciting:
Raphael11110: I like how women deny that porn excites them I
find that exciting ..

Just Before He Started Shooting:
Raphael11110: there's nothing good on tv someone must pay for it..

Passionate Beth:
Lilly Carden: Family Guy is on
Bethliebner: i hate that show


So Out of Character:
FrontalLobotomy7: where is Patient Ohnion
FrontalLobotomy7: he lied to me

Surround:
BlDET: i sometimes surround myself by fat people
BlDET: so i feel thinner
Creepy Loner: Fart.
BlDET: same idea

Movie Review:
BlDET: we saw wall-e today
BlDET: it was very cute
BlDET: funny
Lilly Carden: I loved Wall-e

The Chicken Lady:
BlDET: i just spent thousands of dollars on paintings of
angry chickens
BlDET: all chickens look angry, really
BlDET: so maybe they're not angry - just being themselves
BlDET: all chickens look angry, really
BlDET: so maybe they're not angry - just being themselves
NoraMcKee525: i missed the name of the movie beth is watching...??
BlDET: but there's something about an angry chicken
BlDET: they're everywhere
BlDET: maybe they're angry because they're chickens
BlDET: or maybe they are chickens because they're angry
DoomGrl: there is a chicken that lived 2 years without its head.
BlDET: IT'S A CHICKEN EGG THING
BlDET: the anger and the chicken

Bidet: "click me, baby":
Summers Eve L: I clicked Bidet. I'm sorry I just had too many
pots cooking to try and understand WTF she was bitching about.


Spank Me:
Catpower777: summer have you ever read anything by Mary Gaitskill?
Summers Eve L: No, Cat. I haven't. Something to check out?
NoraMcKee525: anyway, do you watch inthemotherhood?
Catpower777: well,you wanted something weird, right?
Catpower777: she wrote the story that the movie The Secretary
was based on
Summers Eve L: YES!
Summers Eve L: Oh I like that movie, Cat.
Catpower777: me, too !
BinxB91: really! Maggie gyllanhall?
Catpower777: it's in a book of short stories called "Bad Behavior"
Anais3233: i LOVE the secretary
Catpower777: yes, Binx
Anais3233: it's so awsome
Anais3233: james spader can spank me anytime
BinxB91: THREE Women love that movie!!



Odds and Ends:

Is She Weird 55: i'm a 2 in american eagle pants!!!

WarHorseThor: victor, I really have no desire to know anyone in
the music industry

Boulshevit: What's the greatest depressed drunk movie ever made?

KammaToasted: i can count the lesbians i've had on one hand

FoodSIut: donald took the greyhound to nogales and bought
a baby armadillo

Shackleton912: i used to read books in stripjoints

Is She Weird 55: i love the song detachable pe nis

DoomGrl: if you move your hands in a completely dark room,
you can feel the light

Anais3233: i'm afraid of americans

Jam7604801: maybe i should go to pogo

MsVictoriaLynn1: Nectrotizing bacteria is nearly endemic in
the caribbean right now


The Boys Are Back:
ParaMyrrh: War, Being a male is fun no better
anti-depressant than a Hard Cock
WarHorseThor: hahahahaha kal!
ParaMyrrh: and you can even share it's power to promote Joy!
WarHorseThor: the kind you can flex and make go up and down


Humility:
BinxB91: Doom, maybe you're just after deeper meanings ...
and I mistake that for naivete
DoomGrl: i dont thnk so Binx, maybe I am just stupid


Nora Does Better This Time:

NoraMcKee525: pregnant stray showed up tonight...oh yay
NoraMcKee525: tg it's a cat and not my sister
NoraMcKee525: this time



She Accidentally Lost a Friend See Why:
MsVictoriaLynn1: good night feloows, I've lost one friend
accidentally tonight, you aren't amusing anymore
ParaMyrrh: MsVic did he or she see you in the wig?
BinxB91: you lost a friend accidentally?
Creepy Loner: [sniff, sniff]...Eau de Drama.


She said He said She said:

NoraMcKee525: beys cacti said binx said there was a new katytried
but there ain't so i told cactus to tell binx but he was offline
so i'm tellin you
CordialCactus: yeah..binx came in and said there was a
new katytried
NoraMcKee525: SHUT UP cactus
CordialCactus: so.. i told nora.. and i was going to tell binx
Catpower777: Cactus, you mean BinkyLied?
NoraMcKee525: beys...tell him cactus said he said


[What I was thinking about, as she embraced herself ten feet
away and delievred her monologue, was the time she'd taken a
running jump into my arms. She had dashed forward and leaped
with limbs splayed. I nearly fell over. Almost a foot
shorter than me, she clambered up my body with ferociously
prehensible knees and ankles and found a seat on my shoulders.
"Hey," I said, protesting. "Transport me," she commanded.
I obeyed. I wobbled down the stairs and carried her the
length of Portobello Road.]


I Know What You Did Last Summer:
Lilly Carden: Last summer, I tried the Author's Lounge... hideous

Spot the Missing Word:
MsVictoriaLynn1: I DO So wish Godwit would move to the gulf coast
BinxB91: Why Vic?
Hadachoke: you wanna RUIN the Gulf coast?
Anais3233: so vic could blow him once and for all
BinxB91: Aniais!!!!
Creepy Loner: Did you forget the word "away" Anais?

Missing Memory:
KammaToasted: i had a chick orgasm while blowing me once....
(maybe she was faking, who cares?)...
Creepy Loner: I had the same thing happen to me once, Kamma...
Creepy Loner: [wondering if I blew you]

Kamma and Margaret Cho:
KammaToasted: chicks that make lots of jokes in bed annoy me
KammaToasted: i still fuck them, of course...but it's annoying


Nora Works Cheap:
FoodSIut: nora, are you in katy tried?
FoodSIut: do you get paid?
NoraMcKee525: i get paid in good karma and godwit's undying adoration


No Comment:

Beysshoes: i will nora. cancan is his cheerleading squad.
Beysshoes: he's lucky in that.
NoraMcKee525: beys..if candy's his cheerleader, why has she not
posted a comment?
Beysshoes: nora that's an excellent question. cancan you got
an eggscuse?
CordialCactus: i comment. you havent read the archives?
Beysshoes: cancan you really should comment more. you know binx
would love that.
Beysshoes: ya lazy syphillitis skank
CordialCactus: beys.. i speak with binx and give encouragement..
but i can comment publicly more often sure
Beysshoes: QUE??? you are talking private convos wid my boo???
Beysshoes:

Can Only Stand It For Another Hour:
Godwit935: This is so, so bad


Onion Made It:
Zenchef2006: beys, do you remember who made the observation about
2 asians speaking spanish last time we chatted?
FoodSIut: i made it
Beysshoes: yes zen chan ...t'was onion
Zenchef2006: arigato gozayimasu oni-san
FoodSIut: it is wrong
FoodSIut: asians should speak ASIAN and not MEXICAN


Reaction to Premature Ejaculation?:
Fleurdelochi: YOU FUCKING IDIOT
FoodSIut: fleur has a sexy temper in bed too


If I Only ...:
KD81785: I could be a linguist if I could learn a language
other than english
FoodSIut: Alberto Fujimori
FoodSIut: he took a fake peruvian first name like bey did
FoodSIut: bey tells people her first name is Juanita
Beysshoes: shut up you head cramp
KD81785: the second time I was at the University of SC, I had
a classmate who was the son of a Peruvian ambassador.


Hard Tofu:
FoodSIut: i like my tofu like my men, FIRM AND HARD

Chat Counseling:
Summers Eve L: I was very proud of us (me) for being so nice to
him and really trying to work it out.



BlueMonk("ask me some questions") continued:

BinxB91: what annoys you about your wife?
Shackleton912: she's materialistic
Shackleton912: she's not terribly intelligent
Shackleton912: she doesn't take it in the dumper these days
Shackleton912: every time she sees a sporting event on the
tv, she makes some kinda statement about how their wives
must be happy or something
GirlMeetsCamera: maybe she means in bed.
Shackleton912: no
Shackleton912: stuff-wise
GirlMeetsCamera: i'd be pretty happy with an athelete in bed.
Shackleton912: i was an athlete once

Shackleton912: women keep bothering me ever since i got married


If Rono Were Relaxed:
Happy sea lover: I learned trust today.
Happy sea lover: Well sometimes life is strange.
Happy sea lover: The person you would not turn to helps you.

Relection:
Shackleton912: vinyl is the new linoleum just like hobos are the
new unicorns, things change, that's all


Ya Feel me?:
AA Birthday Pony: i hate that word. menstrual
Sleepy Eyed Evie: you'd like it even less if you were a girl

So There:
Shackleton912: women in here, especially young women, who don't
get or appreciate me are stupid


What Monk Made His Parents Do:
Shackleton912: i loved chariots of fire when i was a kid
SemiLitterate: Music is good in Chariots
Shackleton912: semi, i made my parents buy me a casio keyboard
after that movie

Reflections on Polygamy:
Troymcgill2: I am really Renee...the wife of Troy & I can't
imagine living with 5 other women!

Bidet Paints:
BlDET: shack
Shackleton912: bidet
BlDET: shack, i did a painting today you might like
BlDET: a lot
Troymcgill2: Bidet....what kind of painting do you do?
I'm a painter.
Shackleton912: bidet, why would i like it?
Hadachoke: Biddy paints toilets
BlDET: sent it, shack
BlDET: you decide
BlDET: what do you paint, troy
Shackleton912: nice
Troymcgill2: Bidet....kid's art...
BlDET: troy, i am currently painting chickens
BlDET: have a small job doing a single-wall mural soon
Troymcgill2: Bid..interesting
Troymcgill2: I do murals all the time....love some...hate some
BlDET: shack, admit you loved it
Shackleton912: i said nice


Stand Hard:
SemiLitterate: I dislike negativity
BlDET: hush, semi
BinxB91: "it's not your fault"
BlDET: don't be a weenie
BlDET: don't be a binx


What's New in Kid's Lunches For the Fall:

Anais3233: i have two frozen bags of breastmilk in my freezer,
and i always threaten the kids that i'm going to put them in
their lunches instead of a coldpack. ON accident of course!!
NoraMcKee525: so what are you freezing this breastmilf for?
NoraMcKee525: breastMILF...lol
Rietax: lol anais
Anais3233: well, i was pumping and storing for a while.
Shackleton912: i do that
Anais3233: but then he was weaned and then now i just look at
it nostolgically. I'll never make milk again


Nature's Rubiks Cube:
Sleepy Eyed Evie: men don't understand/ appreciate the vagina
Sleepy Eyed Evie: nature's rubiks cube


Anais as Drug Lord:
Anais3233: yes, vadge, where's my package of stuff?
Anais3233: i have given my address out to three people online now
Anais3233: NOT A FUCKING THING
Anais3233: whores
DinosoreVagina: I'm working on it, I promise
Anais3233: you just wanted to look me up on google earth
DinosoreVagina: it's a lot of stuff
MsVictoriaLynn1: what is it you want sent to you Anais?
Anais3233: yay!!!
Anais3233: i always get sad when the ups truck drives by and
doesn't stop
DinosoreVagina: oh, I didn't think of googling you
DinosoreVagina: are you on google earth?
DinosoreVagina: waving?
Anais3233: no, but my trashcans are out
NoraMcKee525: uhoh...anais go stand outside quick while i do
google earth
DinosoreVagina: better out than in
DinosoreVagina: now I sound like shrek
DinosoreVagina: Princess Fiona


How to Pick a Career (you won't believe
way #4):
Anais3233: my books are eight hundred dollars
DinosoreVagina: books for what anais?
Anais3233: a and p, spanish, english and math
DinosoreVagina: what are you going for?
Anais3233: nursing
Anais3233: because i saw this porn one time, and i always wanted
to be a nurse and that just cinched it
DinosoreVagina: yes, that's how most people pick careers


Beysshoes Doing Godwit:
Beysshoes: russia is sending arms to cuba and syria and
you guys make chinese food jokes?


Hillary Looks Forward to College Life:
Is She Weird 55: i'm watching that 70s show, listening to
the raconteurs and thiinking about

It's Who You're Next to That Counts:
H&MSSve7: Fidel is going to look like a Wizard compared to Raul
FoodSIut: raul looks like a wizard compared to bush

No Higher Compliment:
Creepy Loner: F**k Onion...ya made me choke on my coffee.
Creepy Loner: [coughing]


Sitcom Cheer:
Is She Weird 55: No, it's the fresh prince of belair theme
Dickenzian: Is there a stale prince?
Is She Weird 55: oh my god stfu i am the entertainment of this
room., you all sing your dum bass seventeies sh it and i'll sing
my fresh prince and yeah... wow CNN MUCH? i can go to aol news
thanks for my latest yawn story


Hillary ala mode:
FoodSIut: hillary just wait, you are walking home from your college
library one night and a pack of hungry negros eat you for dessert

A Very Needy Sorority:
Is She Weird 55: i want an internship. i dont need to get married.
wtf i am not joining some needy sorority either
Is She Weird 55: i can just imagine me kicking all of their asses

Rono's Reactions:
MyndlessChat: even when the mother is fighting is with the
mother-in-law she is doing it for the future baby without
realizing it...
MyndlessChat: I am opening a new secret society...it is name
GROUP OF LOVE
FoodSIut: MyndlessBengali: my mother in law hates me as much as
my wife does.
Is She Weird 55: i am opening a new secret society---
it's called EVERYONE BUT MYNDLESS CHAT

The Vulnerable Rono:
MyndlessChat: I just spend all day crying...
MyndlessChat: I was watching this soap opera...
MyndlessChat: and I started to cry...
MyndlessChat: my worker is from bangladesh ...he gave me
bengali soap opera
CHRISCJAMEZ: It sucks big time.
MyndlessChat: and I started to cry...
Creepy Loner: Did you kiss him, Rono?
Creepy Loner: That would be hot.
MyndlessChat: yes...I cried watching the soap opera
Creepy Loner: Oh.
Dickenzian: I wonder if people cry in different languages
MyndlessChat: I cry like, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Is She Weird 55: wamu
Can't Get Their Brains Out of the Coat Room:
MyndlessChat: the people who always talk about sex have
no talent to find anything that is interesting
MyndlessChat: their brains are not capable of thinking
about anything else


Hillary's Roommate:
Is She Weird 55: i hate everyone i have to live with
Is She Weird 55: plus she's a bia
FoodSIut: a bialy?
Is She Weird 55: i already met her... on facebook. she talks
trash about me
Is She Weird 55: no, a bi tch
FoodSIut: she is rich you are poor, what do you expect
Is She Weird 55: she has a friend named walker and she's like
"I hate my roomate" to him
Is She Weird 55: isnt that awful?
FoodSIut: welcome to the adult world


Sex With Ex'es:
Creepy Loner: I cleaned my underwear with my ex-fiance's
toothbrush before we split up.
Fleurdelochi: what is sleeper doing in here?
Creepy Loner: I gave it a swirl in the toilet, too.
Is She Weird 55: x dickl
MsVictoriaLynn1: an its hard work to maintain one,
isn't it Anais?
Anais3233: but one time i took a room mate's laundry out of
the dryer and put it in a basket and danced on it. with my
dirty feet. jumped up and down.
Anais3233: and i never kissed him again
Creepy Loner: Neither did I...
Anais3233: i sucked his cock, but i was like, no more kissing
Anais3233: hahaha
Creepy Loner: LOL
Anais3233: just kidding




... or an Aim Problem:
Dickenzian: I don't know. When your semen winds up in your own
mouth, you have an ego problem
Anais3233: indeed

Godwit's Good Points:
Godwit935: KD, I don't tell dirty jokes to ten-year-olds.
Who's attacking whom?


Nora and Cactus Together Again:

NoraMcKee525: onion..cactus has something she wants to ask you
CordialCactus: nora.. you are bossy
FoodSIut: i'm right here cactus
Hadachoke: :-X = No Oral Sex
NoraMcKee525: lol..it WAS your idea
CordialCactus: ok.. you said something clever to nora..
about cross section..
CordialCactus: anyway.. i thought that would make a nice contribution
to katytried.. but nora was too shy to ask you
NoraMcKee525: cactus...READ YOUR IMS
CordialCactus: so, she volunteered me
NoraMcKee525: damn...too late
CordialCactus: i cant do two things at once woman!
NoraMcKee525: your sexual problems are not my business
FoodSIut: cactus are you naked and drunk and sending IMs, i think
creepy turned cordial lesbian in record time
NoraMcKee525: how many orange juices have you had cactus?


There's Always One Poor Idiot Who Didn't Get the Word:
CordialCactus: wOOt!
Creepy Loner: w00t!
Hadachoke: lol
Hadachoke: w00t!
Fleurdelochi: w00000000t
Godwit935: What's this woot business.
Creepy Loner: Onion explained the origin of "w00t" to me...


... and Hit 73 Home Runs in the Hawaiian League:
Beysshoes: i got phat from 2 months of steroids.


The Fourth is Third
Godwit935: I love the Fourth, being a real American.
Godwit935: The only holidays better than the Fourth are
Labor Day and Thanksgiving, in that order.

San Francisco Blackout:
Creepy Loner: Holy sh*t. ONION left the room for the first time
in 4 years.